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My Experience with the Junkie Worm
I may know days of sanity—
sealed with deep commitment to sobriety
I may long for something richer
that which is deeper more satisfying than sobriety
which melts together life’s contradictions and complexities in the presence of confusion and uncertainty
Perhaps, I will know but for a brief fleeting moment the sweet song of serenity—
that elusive, evasive intangible described as heaven on earth—for but a few seconds takes me away from deficiency and dearth
Yet, the silk of life experience and the ilk of family heredity
tells me there’s something different—something missing in my pedigree
Hell is the reality—not heaven, which is but a lie, like Santa Claus and fairytale
The monkey’s off my back but the circus plays on and is Holy Grail
I run as hard as I can trying to escape the wolves that chase me through the wood
No matter what I say about who I am or why I do what I do, I’m never understood
Lonelybooking is as good as it gets—
the shame over reminds the one who forgets
My roots were born and have grown in the soil of struggle
My DNA betrayed by craving and binging—my steady constant slime
Not getting enough of what I really don’t want has been my changeless storyline
With carnage of heart and wreckage all about
The junkie worm, with con and cajole tells me ‘There’s magic just one more time’
With whip and whimper, darkness and defeat takes its toll
There’s no magic, no mojo that I can find
With all the meaning of life squeezed out, emptiness resides with no escape route
Compassion is love birthed inside before it makes its way out
It grows in struggle, in a heart that knows trouble
Anger and hate are common bedfellows
they’re friends who nag and rag and never let go
Religion and snake oil salesmen sell sedatives—promising to heal
Yet anger and hate remain embedded, an experience to feel
When I face what I fear and embrace what I feel
I transform my insides—the rage and hate to something that is real
It’s been the only thing I know that has sustained sobriety and transformed a lot of hell into a little bit of serenity. —KW
I wrote this poetry as a reflection of 35 years of struggle in addiction recovery. Regardless of your drug of choice, as an addict you can touch your experience in these written words.
I have chosen to write six blogs dedicated to managing the junkie worm of addictive desire. This is the last in this series. Today, I chose to write about fantasy and its tentacles of temptation. Fantasy is subtle, secretive, and powerfully alluring. In the addiction world, it is not only a triggering moment. It embraces a hovering mindset that invades every thought. Behind every act out there is a preceding fantasy thought. It may seem to have been triggered in a lightning moment. The truth is that the build-up that fuels temptation has been culturing for a long time.
I recently met with a person who had been in recovery for a long time. Their stated addiction was sex addiction. They announced a decision to be open to “friends with benefits” regarding future sexual pursuit even though in a monogamous partnership. This decision created a precarious position for their marriage. It didn’t happen overnight. There was a considerable build-up of disconnect from feelings and a brooding rationale about unmet relational needs.
That’s the way it goes with fantasy and temptation for addicts. The roots of fantasy are never about the lightning bolt trigger. There is always a build-up underneath the trigger that must be addressed.
In this last, in a series about managing the junkie worm blues, I would like to offer perspective and suggestions toward managing fantasy.
1. Fantasy to act out never comes out of the blue. It seems this way, but its roots are deeper. It is always connected to unmet needs that must be met in a healthy way through mature self-parenting skills developed through recovery. And, thank God, it’s not an out-of-the-blue experience! Addicts would be far more dangerous and unpredictable if it were out of the blue. You are responsible for identifying the mistaken beliefs, the anticipation of rejection, and the victim posture that fuels fantasy and execute a positive intervention. Addressing the root build-up with healthy intervention works in managing the junkie worm blues.
2. Put yourself out of harm’s way. This is not rocket science! If you are sitting in the middle of an intersection and a bus is coming at you, by all means, your first priority is to remove yourself from harm’s way—not try to figure out how you got there! That seems obvious but addicts become great philosophers in dangerous moments when they need to focus on pragmatic interventions. Get the hell out of the way of the Big Mac Truck coming to run over you called the Junkie Worm! During these moments addicts tend to ignore the obvious embrace the improbable and get run over.
3. Use the 3-second rule. Ground yourself in being human. If you’re an addict, it’s normal to want to act out. Your brain chemistry is part of what sets you up for addictive behavior. The 3-second rule is simple. It concedes that you will have intrusive thoughts that trigger your addictive desire. The strategy is that you give yourself 3 seconds to engage the desire to act out. Then you make an intervention to interrupt the destructive pattern of thought. Some addicts say that 3 seconds is too long—that even 1 second is too long! That particular addict is struggling with recognizing their humanity and the reality that intrusive thoughts will invade consciousness. Whatever, the time frame, cultivate a strategy that will interrupt destructive and unwanted fantasy.
4. Dialogue with the fantasy. Once you put yourself out of harm’s way, take time to dialogue with the junkie worm. It is helpful to listen to addiction rationale and allow the junkie worm to build its case as to why addictive behavior makes sense. Then, with your wise mind outline what a healthier alternative would look like. The junkie worm has attempted to provide an escape from unwanted feelings and experiences that have been threatening and devastating in the past. Your assignment as an addict is not to run from the voice of addictive rationale but to respect why it is there, and use your wise mind to navigate to a safer place anchored in sober response.
5. Practice Cherish. One of the laments I hear from addicts who have relapsed is that they failed to cherish all the work they did to achieve sobriety. There is a hollow sense of contrition that they did not cherish their partner, loved ones, or the recovery community that supported them. I hear a tormented cry about how awful and empty it feels to have thrown it all away! The junkie worm mentality contains no cherish. One way to interrupt addictive fantasy is to deliberately force your mind to consider and appreciate what and who you cherish—your partner and family, the solid grounding that recovery creates, predictable routines that promote healthy thoughts, and those who champion you and their own recovery. Cherish the day, your health, and nature around you. Cherish is one of the first things that goes when an addict gives way to fantasy but it represents a great intervention toward bringing one’s thoughts back from fantasy to recovery reality.
The junkie worm has a voice. As an addict, your best bet is to recognize its presence. Running from it never works. The junkie worm is an unrelenting long-distance runner. It will find you! Minimizing and pretending only procrastinates reality. Respectfully managing with healthy self-parenting tools suggested in this blog can transform the curse of your junkie worm into a blessing of sobriety and serenity.
