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“Made a searching and fearless, moral inventory of ourselves.” – Step 4
“Be bold, be brave enough to be your true self.” – Queen Latifah
Queen is right! It requires bold bravery to be your true self. You won’t be that without being able to face your weaknesses. Without facing shortcomings you won’t be able to appreciate and more importantly, utilize your strengths in timely moments.
For example, shame stalks you with guilt. It will harangue you relentlessly until you give up and go get stoned with your drug of choice. But, if you don’t, shame will stalk you and drive home the message that you are a “fuck up” and there is no use trying to be otherwise. This is where bold bravery comes into play.
Addicts have been running from this message since childhood. However, like a pack of wolves chasing you through the woods, shame is relentless. No matter how adept you are at creating new avoidance strategies, shame never backs off. Eventually, it either consumes you or you must do an about-face and stare into the gnarling teeth of the pack of shame messages. You must put your fist in the mouths of the wolves of shame! Then, and then only, will you discover that it is all unreal and untrue. It’s all paper mache. Shame has no power when you face it. Literally, you must stalk the mistaken beliefs that have dominated you up to this point in your life.
When you marinate with shameful misbelief about yourself and the world around you it will dominate your existence. Like water on a hot stove, sooner than later, it will boil into destructive behavior.
So there you have it! A searching moral inventory starts first with the flaw that is most powerful—SHAME! Stalk it, find it, and face it first! If you don’t it will shadow you throughout every other shortcoming you inventory with the statement “Well, sure you are flawed here and there! It’s because you are a piece of shit! Don’t forget it!”
The bold and brave part that Queen Latifah was talking about means that you will need to stalk the voice of shame each and every day. There is no one-and-done fix here.
It’s my experience that there are few one-time fixes in recovery—no matter what snake oil is being sold on the internet or other places. For sure, it is true with shame! You must confront it daily and administer regular mental hygiene with positive affirmations regularly as a lifestyle. Once you make shame management a priority, you are ready to face other shortcomings.
Facing shame feels like being run over by a big Mack truck! It seems overwhelming! You think “Where in my life do I not feel shame?”
In recovery you learn that there is a high side shame and a low side to shame. High-side shame is “trying to be more to keep from being less”. There is nothing wrong with achievement unless I cling to accomplishment to feel like I am more in my attempt to run away from being less. Low side shame includes any behavior that I am deeply ashamed of and don’t want anyone to know about. The most obvious examples are the memories of despicable ways that I sought out my drug of choice and for low lifestyle that came with it. Shame constantly lambasts you with the message “If anyone else really knew what you know about yourself they would know that you are a piece of shit!” Shame feels like super glue that’s spread all over your body—your existence! No matter what you do or where you try to go, you are super stuck in shame! It freaks you out with overwhelm and panic!
That’s when your sponsor steps in and tells you the way out is through it. Don’t run from shame! Rather lean into it! She/he tells you to make a list of every experience in your life that you can remember that triggered shame and reflect on what would have been the message that was encoded down deep in your brain about you.
You must identify who gave you the message and give it back through grieving what could or should have been but never was. At a vulnerable time in your life you were hurt emotionally, physically, sexually, or whatever. You deserved protection, safety, belonging, dignity, and respect. However, in that experience, those assigned to give you these things failed you. Anchoring yourself with adult wisdom you must grieve that loss and in the process, emotionally give back the shame and hurt to the caregiver who failed to provide what you needed. Professional help is often good but not always needed in order to go deep with this painful process of grieving to essential healing.
You spend the entire next month uncovering the encounters and digging out the messages. During this time your sponsor challenges you to construct a positive affirmation about yourself to counter the negative shameful belief. Then she/he tells you to practice the affirmations every day as mental hygiene in the same manner you brush your teeth. Then she/he challenges you to condition yourself each day around ignoring the negative message just like an athlete must do when facing fan opposition in a road game. She or he tells you to practice acting on the vision your destiny calls you forth to be. He or she reminds you that you must fail forward. This step requires tenacity and not perfection. No one is perfect, she or he forever reminds you. Before you enact this behavioral bravery you must first embrace “shaky tenderness”. You want to tell others that you are not afraid. Yet, the truth is that everyone is fearful of something. There is a difference from having feelings of fear and intimidation and being dominated by it. You must face your shame in the presence of that fear! So, you take the next month and lean into the Work!
Fourth step work is never one and done. It is a lifetime process. Don’t try to eat the whole enchilada at once! You will choke and burn out! With every shortcoming that you uncover, match it with a positive trait about yourself. if you run out of positive traits, ask a friend to remind you of what you forgot! Many in recovery forget that a 4th step inventory is about taking an inventory of both liabilities and assets.
The Queen is right—“be bold, be brave enough to be your true self.”
