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“Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind”. —Alex Karras, actor and late defensive lineman for the Detroit Lions.
I have spent the last 20+ years working with men in weekend retreats with a focus on growing themselves up emotionally. Currently, I conduct 6 different weekend groups that each meet 3 times a year focusing on intense emotional growth. Almost all the group members are addicts.
Over time most have tamed their addictive behavior and settled into addressing what it means to become a mature emotional man. No easy task. It is lifelong and never ending. Here are a few things that have been uncovered during these weekends.
1. Being an emotional man is something other than simple physical toughness. Once during a weekend with men, we were on a house barge on the banks of of the Gulf. One of the guys challenged the manhood of another and instantly the 2 were going to fight over machismo. Made sense to each in a moment of incensed anger. I told them “Well you guys can have it out. Someone or both is going home with a black eye or you can step out of machismo and practice being an emotional man, apologize to each other, and be friends.” Thankfully, they chose the latter. Becoming bold, aggressive, two-fisted, and rugged is often the portrayal of what a real man is. Most of this rubric is assigned to aspiring young men who are strong, muscled, and mean when they need to be. Oftentimes physical toughness depicts a “no fear” mentality—kind of a “bring it on” attitude. There are men and women who are physically tough. However, Mahatma Gandhi declared that “emotional strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will”. Ernest Hemingway added his view of strength when he wrote “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” There is a lot of positive in being physically strong but it should not be mistaken for emotional strength.
2. Being a strong emotional man does not equate with sexual prowess. Most men who are a part of my weekends have attempted to demonstrate personal power and aptitude with sexual prowess. It blew up in their faces! Out-of-control sexual behavior brought these men to their knees in broken relationships and emotional emptiness. Compulsive sexual behavior only revealed intimacy disability. Many testified to feeling humiliated with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and emotional emptiness in pursuit of seeking more and more of what they really didn’t want. The desire for sexual fulfillment was an insatiable drive to fill up a hole in their soul that could only be filled from the inside. They became like a little kid who could not get enough sugar.
3. Being a strong emotional man is about not showing or embracing feelings. Just tough it out! During our weekends, men discover quite the opposite. A strong emotional man embraces, expresses, and learns to value the discomfort of emotional vulnerability. It’s risky. Once you get naked to another, it is possible they might say thanks but no thanks and reject you. This is the plunge and risk that strong emotional men choose, not recklessly but purposefully. Being authentic and real is risky. It is also foreign. That said, it is also healing, connecting, and fulfilling a longing that is deep within most men. The magic fulfilled in a men’s weekend is getting real with feelings and being validated by another. Becoming a strong emotional man is about opening your heart to the expression of scary but authentic feelings. It’s what keeps bringing guys back year after year.
During times of turmoil and uncertainty, machismo, sexual prowess and stoic response have an empty ring to the times. Now is a time for men to become emotionally mature role models. Physical and sexual prowess are overrated traits of maturity in men. Reach out and create a safe community that promotes authentic expression of vulnerable feelings. Be real when you are fearful or racked with anxiety. You will find strength with others and become strong in the broken places. This is an example of becoming a mature emotional man.
