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Communication breaks down for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes people misunderstand what you have said. Other times they think you said what you did not. We have all played the game of “Telephone” where you whisper a message from one ear to the next and then the last person announces what they heard which usually is comically very different than what the first person has said.
In everyday life, this happens without the intention of playing a game. It has become a tactic of spreading false information that is hurtful to many.
There is an entire strategy of promoting disinformation throughout internet technology with people pointing their fingers at each other suggesting the other is the invalid source.
Trying to correct what others heard you say gets messy. “I didn’t say”, “Yes, you did! I heard it with my own ears!” This kind of defense between two people can go on and on and fuels wide mistrust between two people. I have witnessed many marriages that have broken up as a result of this hurtful practice.
Truth is it hurts to be misunderstood. Misunderstanding is a human experience. When people miscast you to others, you want to immediately correct the misperception of you or fight back if it is slanderous.
Richard Jewell was a security guard during the 1996 Atlanta Olympics bombing. Jewell was hailed as a hero for spotting the suspicious backpack and helping clear the area before the bomb went off. Very shortly after, media reports and leaks from law enforcement suggested he was a suspect, painting him as a “lone bomber” without any real evidence. The story spread rapidly, and Jewell became a nationwide scapegoat. He was hounded by reporters, satirized in sketches, and judged harshly by the public. Jewell was later completely exonerated. The actual bomber, Eric Rudolph, was caught years later.
Misunderstanding can lead to slander which can be devastating. Serious slander most often must be defended against.
There are lesser misunderstandings that often contribute to misleading categorizations that break connection and fuel mistrust between 2 people. This happens often in business partnerships and in marriage relationships. It is important to create a strategy to address misunderstanding.
Here is a simple suggested strategy to address misunderstandings with your business, family or romantic partner.
1. Go to the source of misunderstanding. When misunderstood, it is common to feel insecure, even intimidated by what someone said about you. It is common for anger to ignite. You want to let it out but not to the person whose comment triggered your feeling of being misunderstood. It is often helpful to sound off to a friend who is a safe source. However, that person must be one that you trust will keep their mouth shut to others about your unedited sharing of hurt feelings. Once you have unloaded your hostility with this source, you must go to the source of comment and tell them what you heard was said by them and correct the misunderstanding. If the source is powerful in a way that you need support, you might ask your friend and confidante to join you, only for support. If so, the confidante would not say anything—just be there to support you saying what you need to say to correct the misunderstanding.
2. Don’t take a defensive stand. While this is not a fast rule, generally approaching the source of misunderstanding with defensiveness or being on the attack will only exacerbate the situation or create an unnecessary reaction. Simply, share what you heard and ask if they said it, if that was what they meant. If so, then correct the misstatement and share how it hurt you. It is important that your tone of voice is not accusatory. You might want to rehearse with your trusted confidante before you confront the issue with the source. You can even ask for an apology. You may or may not get one.
3. It is important to not let another person’s action dictate your reaction. If you respond in like kind when you feel attacked, you will hurt yourself and also will be wasting your time. You will experience the emptiness of wasted effort and the anguish of no resolve. Overreacting to offending behavior is often like putting salt into your own wound.
4. Consider the source before you respond. After you address a misunderstanding with someone close, it is helpful to ask yourself “Do I really need to convince the other person of what I see?” Or might it not be enough just to escape the situation with my own piece of mind in tact? Don’t let others push your buttons. The one trying to get you angry wants to control you. If you meet a negative approach positively, you’re not letting the climate get out of your hands.
5. You can always apologize. Often this statement is met with the thought that this is being milquetoast in the presence of a verbal altercation. Yet, you don’t have to defend or give further explanation regarding what you meant or argue about what you said. When people get stuck insisting that the other party understand or agree with them, it seldom solves anything. Rather, you can apologize for the hurt or misunderstanding that prompted the misunderstanding by another. This can be difficult because you know what you said that contradicts another person’s claim. Just apologize for the misunderstanding. It would go like “If that’s what you heard me say or saw me do then let me apologize for the hurt you experienced. I would not want anyone to feel that way!” In this way, you don’t have to defend your actions or words or convince someone of your intentions that only you know.
These are simple guidelines in a growing complex world that touts disinformation and hurtful remarks toward others. There are no simple foolproof steps that apply to all situations. However, these simple steps can lead to calming the waters of misunderstanding between two people.
