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Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong,
promptly admitted it. – Step 10
You’ve been sober for a long time. Others observe where you are in life and are amazed. Miraculously your family is intact after months of separation and hours of individual, couple, even family therapy. Sometimes you pinch yourself not believing life can be as good as it is. Professionally you are thriving with no ceiling to where you want to go or what you want to do. Twelve step groups speak of the promises and you are rolling in them.
The last thing you want to admit to yourself or tell anyone in your support group is that you miss the excitement, the rush that comes from the adventure of conquest in pursuit of a secret relationship, and the excitement of keeping a secret and scoring one more time.
Now you want to slap yourself with scorn “Are you kidding me? You’d risk all that you have healed, achieved, and repaired for one lousy trip down a memory lane that provided the horror and destruction that you will never forget!” You stammer and stutter with yourself. You know the logical, realistic answer is a strong “HELL NO!” But, there’s weakness in your voice! You tell yourself, “But I can’t deny that she is vulnerable. You can see it in her eyes!” She even told you she would like to connect! There is magic in being pursued and you know she wants you!” But you play it off and you don’t want to tell or talk to anyone about what is building up inside.
So, what do you do and what’s going on inside? The first thing you do is to get out of harm’s way. You set a boundary and announce to yourself, your sponsor and your 12-step group what has been going on inside your thoughts and outside in behavior with the person at work. You don’t make it about the person, you make it about your junkie worm within. You announce that you will cut off all contact with the person at work in terms of sharing or inquiring about personal relational interaction. You pull away. The only contact that makes sense is business-related. When you fear that you will violate that commitment you review all interactions with a trusted support person, I call this process “getting out of the middle of the intersection when you have busses barreling down the road at you from all four directions.” Once you are out of the intersection and out of harm’s way, then take inventory of what is going on! This is the Step 10 process.
In one sense, you are never home scott-free in recovering from addiction. For some that means the ditch that exists on both sides of the road is only a few feet away. For all, it means a conscious effort to cultivate vulnerability and secure attachment to those you love and are committed to.
Historically, addicts grow up in home environments that do not meet predictable necessary developmental needs. Some grow up with parents who pathetically missed the mark in this area while most with parents who provided for basic needs, shelter, education, and love. All of these needs are necessary but these needs alone are insufficient for a child’s development. Parental mirroring, bonding, connecting, a consistent predictable environment, connecting with a child on h/her terms, not the parents, and a host of other important developmental needs are often left unmet and create holes in the souls of the development of young children.
While not every child grows up becoming an addict, they do grow up with the need to fill in the holes in order to create self-soothe. When there is a history of family addiction, the genetic presents the environment for addiction development and a child learns to dissociate and as an adult reaches outside themselves to fill up the hole inside through a cocktail of addictive experiences. They become like a child who cannot get enough sugar. Complex traumatic childhood experience triggers dissociative behavior which is re-enforced through addiction. A neuropathway has been established that provides an instant “go-to” when an addict is triggered with distress.
What unfolds is lapses into old behaviors of overcontrol, irritability, taking up too much space in relationships, “it’s all about me” syndrome, submissive or excessive caretaking behaviors, defensive aggression, or actions of helplessness. As these emerge you feel uncomfortable and want to escape. Sometimes you show very little affect and express little feeling about major impacts that happen in your life. Other times you may be over the top with being mired in feeling depressed or angry and you can’t let go. These are common indicators of a disorganized attached dynamic.
Step 10 allows you to engage a careful inventory that helps you unpack what triggered these symptoms that led you to the powerful intrigue that you face.
Humility will help you admit where you got off course. It will help you to admit your vulnerability to hurtful behavior toward yourself and others. I will help you to unravel your disorganized behavior and return to an earned secure attachment to self, family, and your support community.
Recovery is never about being free and clear of challenges. The only people who are free and clear are those who are 6 feet under! Recovery is about being human. It is recognizing the characteristics of your disorganized attachment and the capacity to self-parent into a secure attachment and connection to those you love and are counting upon for support. In this way intrigue becomes a gateway to a deeper more intimate relationship with self through accountability and re-centering self. Don’t despair! Accept Step 10 as an ongoing everyday experience in life.
