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“I’m on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” – Charlie Sheen
Between meetings, the junkie worm is constantly jonesing with you. “Who are you bullshitting? You’re not gonna stop! You can’t live without scoring and you know it!” You try to defend against the blowback, but the monkey on your back is getting pretty heavy! Right when you get ready to say “No” the junkie worm speaks with conviction that “your DNA has always been about craving and binging.” It’s been your constant steady slime. It tells you that not getting enough of what you really don’t want has been your changeless storyline. With con and cajole it convinces you that there’s magic just one more time.
As predictable, the junkie worm rules the day. You phone a bagman to connect with a mule to get whatever it is that settles the craving rage going on within. It could be anything. For you, it’s a cocktail—molly, a fifth, and a hooker. You have a list of girls on your phone list that you’ve called in the past!
Once you give in to junkie worm mentality, the ritual begins. You have no control. Instantly you numb out from all other awareness. Your mind zeroes in on one thing—getting high! Within minutes that seems like an eternity, you’re snorting molly, doing tricks with a sex worker who brought rocks which you mix with a fifth!
Tomorrow’s hangover is nothing new. The usual, irritable because you did what you said you wouldn’t, shaking your head about the sex because you’re not even interested. It’s always that way the day after with molly. There’s this tremendous headache from the fifth. Anxiety builds, mixed with fatigue facing a busy day with several commitments that you don’t want to face.
You go through your day faking it. Actually, you’re pretty good, given what’s really going on inside and what you just went through.
You go to the washroom, do your business and while washing your hands you look into the mirror and say out loud, “I can’t keep doing this! My world is falling apart!” And you’re right! You’re only half present in a job that requires all of you! You’re lagging behind what’s expected and you know it. You find yourself waiting for the ax to fall.
Overwhelmed, full of guilt and discouragement, you decide to go back to the 12-step meeting. Remembering the invite to show up early, you do and the person who invited you was there, waiting for you. They greet you with the same smile and tell you they knew you would return.
You tell them the story of what happened the night before. They tell you it doesn’t surprise them whatsoever and then tell you their story of acting out! You are amazed! You thought you were fucked up! Their story was way out there! They had done everything you ever thought of doing with several chapters more!
Suddenly you feel like someone understands who you are. There’s a strange unexplainable warm feeling of hope that grows inside you as you sit in that 12-step room. You listen to more stories that seem the same as what happened to you last night.
Then everyone’s eyes look to you because it’s your time to share. Your mind goes blank. The junkie worm firmly tells you “don’t say anything, they will think you are a loser and a pervert! Just say you pass!” So you do! But your warm and kind friend who greeted you shakes their head “NO” and tells you that you can do this. After a moment of silence you open your mouth and begin to unpack the night before. It was only a few minutes but it seemed like forever! But you told them, every damn detail of the night before while gazing at the floor. When you looked up there were warm smiles of acceptance on the face of everyone looking at you. You wanted to push them away! Your first inward response was don’t u understand I am a loser, a fuck-up! You want to run out of the room but you don’t. You sit there and listen to the next person, verbalize the very words you were thinking. Only it was about themselves. That slow awareness of hope continues to grow inside with the thought just maybe these people connect with me more than I realize.
When the meeting closes, the junkie worm tells you to get the hell out of this room as quickly as you can. So you try to do just that! But, your friend who greeted you before the meeting started, intercepted you and told you “It was a good beginning, you are one on us.” Before you knew it, you agreed to meet for coffee and would begin working on your first step, whatever the hell that meant.
As you got into your car, the junkie worm chirped that you made a fool of yourself and to forget the coffee meeting. You had more important things at work to catch up on. But, the next morning a hot cup of Joe was sounding pretty good. Without thinking you showed up at the coffee shop on time. Your friend was waiting. They gave you a free copy of the Big Book and told you that they were going to talk about Step 1 about how powerless and unmanageable the life of addiction is. From that moment on, things would never be the same again! You have taken another important step on your long journey home!
