READ IT TO ME: Click play to listen to this post.
“They said I ignored the drug problem. Well, I gave speeches on drugs, wrote books on drugs. I did darn near everything on drugs”
-Pat Paulsen
Step 1 is about helping you see that your life has become a runaway train going down the track. Your kick became THE organizing principle in life! Everything you did was focused around your cocktail experience of getting high! The carnage all around you was left unseen.
You thought you were at Cadillac Ranch on Route 66 in West Texas but you were dying in the desert sucking sand, blaming God for the sun, the heat, and your miserable misfortune. You created it all baby! Step 1 woke you up from your deep sleep with a cold slap in the face of reality. You were drowning in denial, dishonesty, and displacement of responsibility.
You were asked to turn over every stone—the junkie room blues, the lies, the smoke screens, and all the shit you did to pull off your trick and kick. You were an S.O.B. to everyone around you. You would manipulate anybody to get one more hit. You were Jekyll and Hyde rolled into one. Some people would be shocked to know your addictive side and behavior. For others, it was the only thing they ever saw. You swore with tears streaming down your face that you were done while scheming to score at the same time.
Your first step story is sick and ugly—it’s a train wreck with no sign of a Cadillac. The group was relentless! They insisted you do open heart surgery in front of them. The stench of your shit would have driven anyone out of the room except everyone present had their own shit.
It was the most grueling hour you ever spent in your life, going deeper, unpacking shit you swore you would never tell anyone. But, there it is, strung out on the floor of a 12-step room.
What you said wouldn’t make those you betrayed or otherwise hurt feel better but somehow when you finished you felt lighter and relieved. For the first time in your life, you told the truth, the gospel truth about every lie and every score you ever did. No one needed to tell you that your life was out of control and unmanageable after you got honest. A strange warm feeling of safety came over your entire body after you finished. You just did a first step! You were raw and bleeding. You told yourself that you hope to never do another step like that in your life.
At the close of the meeting, many said encouraging words but your faithful friend told you there were eleven more steps to take and that you would need to make each step a lifestyle. You thought you would shit your pants!
You gave him a wanly smile and walked out of the building looking up at the stars wondering what had you got yourself into? You wanted to run away again and never come back but out of the blue a couple of group members asked you to join them at the Red Robin for coffee and talk. You don’t know why but you agreed.
You sat there silently listening to small talk about weather, sports and light hearted jokes. When someone spoke directly, you said ‘why would you be interested in a hamburger after what you just heard me say”? Your new friend looked directly at you and said “we all have common shared brokenness. When we embrace our weakness and faults we become stronger people, more authentic.”
You just heard your first of many paradoxes that must be embraced in healing any shortcoming—when you embrace your weakness, only then can you become strong! In recovery, healing is found in the wound. You must embrace the most painful part of your wound (addiction) in order to heal. Many addicts shrug that off at the first meeting they attend. It takes guts and willingness to do a first step. You left the Red Robin that night wishing you could go to the Cadillac Ranch on Route 66 instead of owning the train wreck that has been your life.
