READ IT TO ME: Click play to listen to this post.
Hold a piece of crystal to the light and it paints a rainbow on the wall. Tap it lightly with a spoon and it sings like a bell. But drop it and it shatters to smithereens. People can be this way—as fragile as crystal.
It’s a common tendency to presume upon the people we love the most. We don’t think we have to go out of our way to appreciate them. Often, they are the ones who experience our complaints, irritability, and relational shortcomings. Unspoken, we just think they should get it and put up with our humanity. Many times they do!
We live around people we care about and have known for a long time. But we often forget what makes them shine or sing. When we forget how to see, hear, and appreciate the people we love, we grow careless from sheer neglect. Here are a few suggestions to consider:
1. Take time to see those around you that have always mattered. Everyone has the need to be seen. Don’t just purchase flowers or a gift. While it matters, what is more important is that you spend the time sitting with those you love and engage their thoughts, interests, and life. Nothing is more important to those who matter to you than to communicate that they matter to you. Gifts are fine but relational connection—eye to eyesharing your deep appreciation of them and who they are— is gold.
2. Everyone needs to be soothed. It is true that the task of soothing is an individual skill that each person is responsible for administering to self. However, there are people all around you who you may take for granted that need outside validation. It’s validation that is like pouring water on a thirsty garden in a human relationship. To validate another you have to care to know what is going on inside their life. You have to listen to their story without infiltrating into the narrative of your story. Validation is soothing. Relationships grow and remain connected when you step out of your world and validate the everyday experiences of another you care about.
3. People thrive when they feel safe. In relationships, safety is most often spelled out with the word predictability. Simply put, when you say that you will do something, just do it! You may think you are good with your word but others you count on to be there will tell you that you are not there for them because you do not follow through with what you said you would do. You take them for granted that they will understand that you forgot because you were too busy, fatigued, distracted, etc. Essentially, you presume upon them because they are close and you think they should just roll with the punches. The truth is that they do not feel safe with you because they cannot count on you to follow through with what you said you would do. They are there for you (with a phony smile) but you are not there for them. They do not feel safe. The solution is simple. Follow through with what you said you would do or don’t say it!
4. People thrive in a secure environment. In relationship, a secure environment is modulated by living in consultation and accountability. Sex addicts in recovery often think their betrayed partner should feel secure just because they disclosed everything and have vowed to no longer act out. Really? Security in a broken-hearted relationship grows when the betrayer consults with the betrayed partner and is accountable. Security around betrayal grows slowly when watered with transparency and consistent recovery behavior. The temptation is for the betrayer to presume that the betrayed partner’s broken trust should heal quicker than is realistic. They become in spirit like Bart Simpson bugging Homer “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
The human experience involves fragility. When it is recognized, relationships grow and become the most precious experience life has to offer. Handle them as you would crystal and see the unfolding rainbow against the backdrop of everyday living. Otherwise, you will have a lot of shattered glass to sweep from the floor of your living room.
