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One of the challenges I have in life is that I am prone to try too hard. Historically, I wanted to succeed so bad that my desire literally pushed success away from me. I remember when I was 15 I would work for my older brother who was 25 in Peoria, Illinois. He managed 4 company owned Shell Oil gas stations in the area.
I recall that a lot of gas stations would feature an oil display in which they would stack up oil cans in a pyramid formation in front of a large display window. Probably, it looked cool. I don’t know any other reason they would do that. My job assignment was to build the oil can pyramid.
I tried so hard to build that damn pyramid and every time the cans would end up falling all over the floor. When customers would come in and see the cans all over the floor they always had a comment. Their remarks triggered a shame spiral for me. I wanted to find someplace to hide. Every degrading thought I ever had stuck like a magnet in my brain. No matter what I did, shame dug in like being stuck by a jumping cholla cactus. Every move I made, it (shame) hurt all the more.
Shame spirals are unsettling. They feel like shame on steroids. It’s a feeling that everything about me is disgusting, inappropriate, unworthy, and unacceptable. Like a bad case of the flu that makes your body hurt all over. A shame spiral makes you feel shaky and tender. Sometimes your body literally shakes with self-hate and self-loathing disgust. It can paralyze you into inactivity.
So, how do you manage a shame spiral? Listed are a few considerations I have learned throughout the times of my life.
1. Create a Safe Place: Quietly take yourself out of harm’s way. Like being in the middle of an intersection with a bus barreling toward you, don’t spend time wondering how you got there! First and foremost pick your ass up and remove yourself from danger. When you are triggered, power yourself to a safe place. Know you can do this. It is step one in shame spiral management. Don’t run away from the feeling. Simply put yourself in a place of safety.
2. Cocoon yourself for a season of time: Find time and place to unpack, anchor and re-load. The place to cocoon can be anywhere you feel comforted. The time can be short, ranging from a few minutes, hours or even a few days when needed.
3. Unpack your state of mind leading into the shame trigger: Where were you experiencing deprivation? It could be physical or financial but most likely will be emotional neediness. When you are snagged with feelings of entitlement, trace back to valid emotional needs that were left unmet. You will need to address those needs in a healthy way.
4. Anchor: Identify the mistaken beliefs that overwhelmed you in your shame spiral. Like Robert Downey Jr once said, “You can’t take your worst moments and let them define you.” The thought that you cannot do anything right or everyone is upset judges and dislikes you must be transformed. You must root them out with positive affirmation. Anchoring is not easy! It takes work! You must create a list of positive affirmations not about what you do but who you are! You must steep yourself in these positive affirmations in the presence of shame screaming at you that you are a piece of shit! Listen to Louise Hay’s Reset Your Mind on YouTube for 10 minutes a day for 30 days. Make up your own affirmations and practice them. Affirmations can be like the weights you bought for your home gym. They are great but gather rust and dust if you don’t use them.
5. Re-load: Break your cycle of self-doubt by refueling your visions of self-belief in your destiny. Clarify who you are. Separate yourself from your negative behavior which is an aberration from who you are. Clarify who you are. You are an unrepeatable miracle of the universe. Throw your shoulders back, hold your head high, and act on what you believe about yourself in the presence of shameful feelings that hammer you. You will experience that those feelings will subside and positive feelings about yourself will return as you lean into your vision of your destiny. Re-loading doesn’t happen automatically but through conscious choice.
Dismantling a shame spiral requires community. You can’t fight the gorilla of shame alone. Surround yourself with people who believe in who you are. Ask them to listen and agree with the positive affirmations that fuel your vision of recovery. The best antibiotic to a shame spiral is to overcome the isolation of negative beliefs by insulating yourself with a positive affirming group of support.
