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Junkie Worm Blues #2 – Managing What Matters

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“One day of practice is like one day of clean living. It doesn’t do you any good”. – Abe Lemons

One of the crazy experiences about life is that the average experience is so daily. What is average for an addict is the junkie worm blues. Addicts struggle with daydreaming about using. It’s an obsessional fantasy that feels like it never stops. It does but, the tunnel of craving makes it seem never-ending. Most addicts succumb to the junkie worm. We seldom hear about their years of lonely booking dominated by their drug of choice. There are millions of unheard stories of those who pursued their junkie worm blues into oblivion. Each author of an unheard story was an unrepeatable miracle of the universe who simply lost their way into insensibility. Most die that way. 

Recovery offers an option. You don’t have to die that way. Addiction is the only prison where the locks are on the inside. Recovery is not a pathway whereby life gets easier and more forgiving. It is a way for you to become stronger and more resilient. Caring for yourself is not self-indulgent. It’s an act of survival. When craving is its strongest it is likened to a bitter cold snap in the winter. Recovery provides the warmth of the summer sun on the inside. It says that no matter how hard the junkie worm pushes against sobriety, there is within you something stronger, pushing right back that buoys you and helps you to maintain center and balance. However, it requires daily practice. Abe Lemons is right, “one day of practice doesn’t do any good”.

Consider daily practicing the following: 

1. Practice the basics every day: The other day I heard an addict who was struggling to say to a group of guys who were practicing recovery, “You all speak a foreign language and are impossible to understand. I am not who you are and cannot understand why you do what you do or say what you say”. He’s right, recovering addicts practice a different language and do things far different than when they were practicing addicts. Until you decide to stop acting out and surrender to practicing recovery, the behaviors of recovering addicts won’t make any sense whatsoever. 

What are the basics? Doing the 12-steps. Many recovering addicts say they did the steps. But, doing the steps is a lifetime endeavor, not a one-and-done. It doesn’t mean you need to fill out someone’s workbook forever! It does mean that you skillfully assess your life on a daily basis with the 12-steps as a tool for intervention. The 12-steps become a lifestyle, not a goal to complete. 

The basics include going to meetings and reaching out to other recovering addicts. Addicts stuck in relapse or who haven’t relapsed but who are stuck in victim posture, fail to reach out. They talk about their phone weighing 500 lbs, and they complain about wherever they are stuck, and don’t go to meetings or connect with others outside the meeting. Eventually, they complain that the 12-step meetings don’t work. Like medicine prescribed by the physician, when you don’t take the med, strangely it doesn’t work and symptoms remain the same!

2. Empower yourself with a deep belief in who you are. It’s not about what you do but who you are. Many addicts believe that they can create successful outcomes and they do! But, doing more never covers up for feeling less. As an addict, you must be willing to go deep down within and face your insecurities, shortcomings, and what you don’t like about yourself.  Embrace and believe in who you are. Most addicts deeply believe that if you know what I know about me you would reject me. Ultimately, managing the junkie worm will require that you practice deeply believing in who you are, not what you can do!

3. Anchor yourself with others who believe in you. None of us do recovery in isolation. An early church father, St. John of the Cross, once said “A lone coal outside of the fire soon grows cold”. The fire inside that fuels recovery must be fed by those who believe in who they are. Included are other addicts, loved ones, and those who have gone before you. You must create a grandstand of support from those who deeply believe in who you are. You can access your forefathers, not only those who have passed on who have known you but also those who have inspired you through their writings or lives lived that you have read about. Put all of them in the grandstand of those cheering and believing in who you are. 

While practice does not make perfect, it does create the fuel for an addict to progress through the junkie worm blues.

Hangovers

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Fred has been a recovering sex addict for 5 years. Sexual acting out used to be an organizing principle in his life. He woke up everyday thinking of numbing out with porn and hooking up with whoever he could find on the internet. It nearly cost him his family, his job, and even his life. One day an escort and her pimp robbed him of everything he had. At gunpoint, they forced him to go to his bank and withdraw $10,000 from his account. He was told that there was a gun pointed at his head throughout the entire bank transaction and would be killed if he did not bring them the exact amount. This was hitting bottom for Fred. He promised that if he escaped this predicament, he would seek help and change his lifestyle. And he did. He sought out a certified sex addiction therapist. He began going to 12-step meetings, worked the steps, changed his life, and experienced healing within and in his marriage and family. That was 5 years ago! 

Moving forward he managed sexual addiction cravings with the tools that he had learned in therapy and 12-step groups. Things were headed in the right direction. Then COVID hit. He was laid off from his work and had to scramble, doing anything to pay the bills. There was a lot of stress and anxiety that persisted throughout the 2 years since the COVID lockdown. Eventually fatigue, stress, and anxiety wore him down. One night while driving home he pulled into the parking lot of a strip club, drank, and paid for several lap dances. The next morning he woke up with a hangover not only from the alcohol but from the reality that he surrendered all the vestiges of meaningful sobriety and serenity that he had accumulated in his recovery program the 5 years before. He was sick to his stomach, dulled with brain fog, and profound loneliness and emptiness. The emotional pain was indescribable. Alone, he screamed in despair. He was suffering from the hangover of relapse behavior. 
Hangovers suck! Hangovers always deliver what they promise—headaches, dizziness, fatigue, nausea, irritability, and other symptoms. Most people associate hangovers with drinking too much or other drug abuse. But, hangovers are the result of many behaviors. Other than its relationship to chemical abuse, the dictionary defines a hangover as something that remains from what is past. Its the letdown that follows great effort and excitement. Hangovers follow every act out and trigger further use of a substance or process.

Every addict knows the pain of a hangover that follows an addictive behavior. Addicts who succumb to relapse are highly susceptible to repeating the destructive behavior until the old addictive lifestyle is once again in place. It happens amazingly fast! Hangovers play a significant role in the reconstitution of addiction. Surprised by the relapse, addicts fall victim to the power of shame and the staggering emotional pain that is part of the hangover aftermath. 

Most addicts relapse in their attempts to gain control of their addiction. Listed below are suggestions to consider in working through the hangover that accompanies relapse behavior.

1. Get out of harm’s way. You may have to drag yourself away but don’t let the bus of addiction run over you repeatedly with added relapse behavior. Call someone in recovery. The risk of further addictive behavior increases exponentially on the heels of a hangover. Loneliness, shame, depression, failure, etc are intense feelings that overwhelm and tempt you to medicate with addictive behavior. You must take the power away from the junkie worm with a radical behavioral pattern interruption. Examples include going to a 12-step meeting, calling a recovery friend (even in the middle of the night), throwing your keys down a storm sewer to keep you from driving under the influence, or whatever you need to do to remove yourself from harm’s way.

2. Surround yourself with support. When you relapse, shame wants to force you into isolation. Rather than isolate, you must insulate yourself with people who you know love you, understand, and will support you no matter what. Addicts in recovery who engage in a 12-step meeting with openness and vulnerability create connections that are helpful during a time of crisis in their recovery. It is critical to reach out to other addicts in recovery when you face relapse. You will falter. Create a community that will be there and help you restore yourself to sanity and centered living.

3. Practice sitting with the pain that accompanies relapse failure. No matter what you do after a relapse, you cannot escape the pain of the hangover. You can mitigate its effects with self-care and reconnecting with your program. That said, relapse always produces intense emotional pain and disappointment. Rather than try to escape, which might increase the possibility of relapse, practice accepting and leaning into the emotional pain. Leaning into the pain of relapse differs from choosing to wallow in the failure of relapse which quickly becomes a way to escape and avoid doing the next right thing in self-care. It hampers a mature response to failure. Leaning into the pain is accepting what happened and moving forward with the next right recovery steps toward re-centering yourself in a healthy life balance. The good news is that the hangover does wear off in time.

4. Divorce yourself from the behavior. You are not your behavior. You will have to condition yourself during this moment of discouragement and shame. Put the shame on the behavior and not your sense of self. Separating the behavior from your personhood will help you nurture compassion for yourself and those you hurt with your destructive behavior. There is no greater prevention for further relapse than compassion and empathy.

5. Learn from every relapse failure. While you are not a failure, you can learn something about yourself that can cement future sobriety in every failed experience. The lessons you glean from your failed experience are the gold you create to fulfill your recovery destiny. Allow yourself to be a mistake-making person. Take away the treasure of wisdom from each mistake before you throw away the rind of failed behavior.

The loneliness and emptiness that is core to the experience of relapse hangover paralyze many addicts who have relapsed. The way through the hangover is to fix your eyes on re-centering your vision of recovery. Move through relapse behavior by anchoring your heart with actions of recovery practice. The hangover will wear off provided you do the necessary self-care. 

Feeling Frazzled this Holiday Season? We’ve Got the Cure!

Welp friends, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. OR it can be the most hurried, stress-filled and expectation-riddled season of all. I find that it really all depends on my perspective. My sanity and joy during the holiday season hinge on my dedication to self-care.

Just so we’re all on the same page, I’ll give you my definition of self-care. I believe that self-care includes mindsets, self-talk and actions that create space for us to remain healthy and grounded, throughout various seasons of life. In difficult, stressful or challenging times, we desperately need self-care practices in order to be refreshed and renewed, and to keep us from burnout. In seasons when we are experiencing ease, joy and peace, self-care serves to fill us up to a truly abundant state. Our needs are met and we can generously overflow to others.

The purpose of self-care is not to become self-focused and certainly not to be selfish. Rather it is to love others as we love ourselves. Did you catch that last part?

“. . . as we love ourselves.”

This means that we have to learn how to love and be kind to ourselves before we can possibly overflow with love and kindness to others in a truly unselfish, no-strings-attached kind of way.

In my experience, honoring my need for self-care chases away scarcity and the resentment that comes from continuing to give from an empty well. As I have love and grace for myself, I am filled up with love and grace for others. Scarcity, resentment and burnout are replaced with abundance, overflow and freedom.

Just let that sink in.

Imagine experiencing the entire holiday season from a place of abundance, overflow and freedom. Freedom to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to invitations, without the guilt that people-pleasing often brings. Freedom to give from a loving, generous place, knowing that others may or may not be able to give back in the same way—or at all. Freedom to be yourself among the various groups of family members, friends and coworkers you’ll find yourself with in the coming weeks. Imagine experiencing all of this grace and freedom for yourself and then extending it extravagantly to others. To me, that sounds like the most wonderful way to be any time of the year.

Here are a few of my favorite self-care practices that I integrate into my daily routine. They keep me from getting depleted during an ordinary, no-drama week and are thus extra necessary during the hustle and bustle of the holidays.

Meditation and prayer

Journaling

Reading a great book

Taking a walk

Hugging an animal

Eating well

Having a treat

Time with a loved one

Time with friends in recovery or other encouraging friends

During stressful or challenging times, I often add:

  • Counseling
  • Chiropractic care
  • Saying ‘no’ to optional busyness in favor of downtime
  • Additional recovery meetings
  • An extra visit or call with a friend
  • Coaching or mentoring sessions

Any support I need to process my experiences, thoughts and feelings when I am under added stress is an investment in my sanity and serenity. These resources help me to slow down and choose how I’d like to respond, rather than reacting under stress. They also help me glean lessons from my experience instead of just white-knuckling my way through them.

The point is, self-care takes lots of forms—from a cozy day of resting, recharging and hugging your pet (possibly against their squishy-faced will), to action steps such as reaching out for support or setting boundaries. All of these choices help to keep us healthy physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

So, as the official Ambassador of Self-Care . . .

. . . I invite you to consider being kind to yourself this holiday season, and year-round. The world has only been entrusted with one of you and so I encourage you to take care of your wellbeing accordingly. Let yourself be renewed and recharged and then love others generously from a place of abundant overflow.

And now let me ask you…Which of these self-care practices resonate with you? What you would add to the list? Which practices are essential for you, even in the busiest times?

You can start today, with just one small choice or action. It doesn’t have to be fancy or complicated!

We’d love to hear your thoughts! Please leave a comment and then share the article—and the (self) love.