personal growth Archives | Genius Recovery

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Addicts are plagued with stinking thinking. They are not the only ones. Addicts learn to stop acting out with their drug of choice. However, many who have put a cork in the bottle are still badgered with negative beliefs that sabotage serenity.

Addicts wallow in past memories, wishing that things were different. In recovery, many “future trip”, focus on how things will be when sobriety and stability is achieved. Everybody grapples with staying in the present moment, but this is difficult when you don’t like where you are. Mistaken beliefs about self and the world flourish when addicts get stuck focusing on the past or future.

Most addicts say they just want to be happy. However, happiness depends upon positive conditions. Yet, this cannot always be controlled. In the life of an addict, the results of addictive behavior have a life of their own. Trust is broken and lives have been destroyed. Often, once the havoc is wreaked, there is no going back to fix things. Relationships are devastated regardless of achieved sobriety. Loved ones have had enough!

People who are not addicted cannot control the conditions for happiness either. For example, loved ones die unexpectedly. Tragedy and heartache happen outside of your control, too! The chase for happiness becomes an illusion because you cannot govern all of the outside factors that contribute to happiness. Your efforts to create happiness are fragile at best. Negative thinking is overcome by seeking inner peace rather than happiness. Inner peace is controlled from within.

Struggle and adversity leave an addict feeling empty and without happiness. It is possible to create inner peace in the presence of unhappiness. Addicts can transform limitation, failed recovery, broken families, and relapse into their greatest teacher. This stabilizes long-term sobriety. They transform emptiness into serenity with perspective and stability.

Last year, I spent time with friends in their mountain home. We visited someone who modeled peace. He was a campground host and recovering alcoholic. He spoke about past losses and hurt, yet now exuded with enthusiasm, joy, and peace. During a tour of the campground, he underscored how appreciative he was to have such stunning views of the mountains that were nearby. He was excited to show us his small camping trailer. At the end of the tour, he declared that he was the luckiest man alive and that he was living the life he had always hoped.

Upon reflection, he seemed to radiate an inner peace that was opposite of the negative thinking that dominated his addictive behavior earlier in his life. He talked about being present in the moment with his thoughts which brought him peace. He learned to block out the negative thoughts from the past and anchored his thoughts to the present moment. As I listened to him share, I thought of the many people who had so much more in personal possessions but who were stuck in negative thinking about needing more to keep from being less. When you discipline yourself to be in the present moment, negative thinking is countered with inner peace.

When you lose a loved one or must face your own demise, it is impossible to be happy about the misfortune. But, you can be at peace as long as you have released grasping for things and conditions you cannot control. In recovery, maybe you won’t be able to be with the family you thought would be there for you, but you can have peace. You may face a dramatic change and limitation in your life because of illness or financial restraints. Economic reversals and poor health will never trigger happiness. Yet, peace can be attained within when you let go of negative beliefs by simply embracing the here and now.

Peace comes in the present moment, not the past or future. Anxiety and worry accelerate when you fret about what might happen in the future or lament about a past action. Addicts tell themselves that bad things happen because they deserve it. They create movies in their head that reinforce destructive experiences from the past. They tell themselves they don’t have what it takes to live a sober, serene, and successful life. Their negative thinking sabotages good results in their life and prevents them from being present in the here and now. They become their negative thoughts. This contributes to relapse behavior and impairs the possibility of peace in the present moment. Addicts get stuck and are unable to separate themselves from the negative voice in their heads.

You stop negative thoughts by learning to sit in life experience as it is whether pleasant or unpleasant. In recovery, you learn to connect with yourself without judgment and without clinging to the past or grasping for the future. You must learn to accept what is, right now. Your sense of self is different from your life situation. When you learn to be friendly with the present moment, you begin to make peace rather than embrace negative thoughts that treat the present moment as an enemy. In 12-step groups, addicts learn to separate their sense of self from their negative thoughts. When this happens an addict can embrace the present moment. They create inner peace and discover the brilliance of who they really are. The trap of negative thinking is resolved by practicing being present in the here and now.

“Don’t let the world squeeze you into its own mold” Bible—Romans 12:2 (Phillips translation)

It is difficult to be yourself. Family, society, and work organizations apply pressure on you to conform to expectations. You don’t get too old to no longer hurt from rejection. There are times when it can be very lonely to stand for what you believe. It is difficult to change a behavior when the influence of family attempts to pull you toward old destructive behaviors. This dynamic creates a real challenge for the addict leaving rehab to re-engage with family who operates from old patterns of behavior that are toxic to the change the addict has experienced in rehab. Many addicts in recovery fall to the pressure of family dynamics which squeeze the addict back into its own mold. It’s the reason that aftercare and halfway houses exist. It’s tough to be true to yourself when everyone else around you is doing something different.

It’s not only true for addicts but also for organizational leaders. There are many definitions of what it means to be a leader. People describe leaders as being visionary, having great organization skills, having charisma, being able to follow through and get things done, and being inspirational. Such descriptions effectively define leadership. However, for me, leadership ultimately depends upon the determination to stand for the principle of what one believes regardless of acceptance from others. Few leaders are willing to unwaveringly do so.

It is rare to experience a politician stand for the principle independent of the opinion polls or party affiliation. It has been my experience that it is also rare to experience leaders in religious organizations or workplaces standing for principle when the heat of criticism is turned up. It becomes so alluring to bend to the persuasion of the mainstream when what you believe differs from the consensus view of the many. Sometimes the popular view is right. Yet, leadership requires that you stand for the principle of being true to your heart, even when others think you are wrong. It’s not easy and requires emotional maturity. You never really know who has this emotional maturity until the heat of decision-making is turned up. It becomes formidable when the decision to confront an issue of principle might cost you a friendship, business opportunity, or romantic relationship. Many times in counseling settings I have heard relational commitments made that melted in the heat of follow-through.

Through my years in the workplace environment, I have witnessed different decisions made by leadership to address different issues but with no follow through, because of the hassle it would create, just plain busyness, passive acceptance of the status quo, etc. To be true to yourself requires a great commitment to follow through. When you choose to not follow through you are vulnerable to being squeezed into someone else’s mold. It’s a struggle that impacts parenting, educating children in the classroom, coaching in sports, marital relationships, religious organizations, and all types of work environments.

Addicts know this struggle. Literally, an internal war ensues in the presence of wanting to experience the approval of a family member, partner, or friend, for instance when it is necessary to make a decision to set a boundary or to say no that would create dissatisfaction and disapproval with certain others. It is difficult for addicts who need to set a boundary with a partner around certain unacceptable behaviors. There can be an intense struggle with the temptation to be squeezed into their partner’s mold. It is hard to say no to family or friends about behaviors that you were once ringleader. It is difficult to tell a close friend that if they are going to continue acting out in ways that betray their partner, then I will need to step back from the friendship because I am not willing to keep a destructive secret from their partner. It requires mature internal personal leadership to make the choice to not be squeezed into the mold of someone else’s idea of how you should live.

Here are a few reflections to consider about this matter in recovery:

Be true to yourself. You will sell yourself down the river trying to please others at all costs. It’s true in relationship recovery. Oftentimes, in treatment for betrayal, addicts will lose themselves trying to please the other by compromising their values. They choose not to be true to themselves. Being true to yourself is not a rigid, strictly self-focused decision. It requires that in the presence of trying to please your partner, there is a recognition that you cannot abandon yourself and what your heart tells you to please the significant other. It’s a truth that goes both ways in a partner relationship. Deep relational healing will occur only when both partners are true to themselves. Short of this, the partnership will tend to writhe in unsustainable back-and-forth reactivity.

Be your own Guru. Guru is a teacher. To be your own guru does not mean that you do not seek support or guidance from another. It means that truly the resource of wisdom you hope to find is within your heart. You must go find it. Good therapy and 12-step work underscore this reality. There is no outside fix. Coming to terms with your values, insight and essential self is truly an inside job. People tend to put others on a pedestal, such as old-timers, celebrities, recovery gurus, and on and on it goes. Frankly, it makes me sick. There is no magic guide. No magic guide! Whatever insights others might offer are designed by the universe for you to consider and connect with the wisdom that is within you. This is where you will find the strength and the brilliance to not be squeezed into someone else’s mold. Grace Lee Boggs is correct when she penned “We are the leaders we are looking for.”

Accept the loneliness that comes from being true to yourself. There is a cost to being authentic and genuine. Others may reject you. Not everyone will reject you but often those whose approval and acceptance you would most desire will. It is tempting to become contemptuous in overt or covert ways by becoming judgmental. One response to rejection can be egotistically flipping others the bird. If you don’t accept me then I won’t accept you. Yet, maturity in recovery requires that we quietly accept the decision of others while maintaining being true to self. In humility, letting go of those who reject you is a way of remaining open to the truth of the relationship and situation that can make you a better person. In this way we are best able to transform our loneliness into a deeper experience of solitude.

Refusing to be squeezed into the mold of others requires courage and willingness to face rejection in order to stand alone to the principles that are true to your heart. When you do this the promises of recovery become rich and rewarding. Don’t let the world squeeze you into its mold.

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