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What to Say When the Truth is You Don’t Know

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The discovery of relational betrayal is a shocking experience for everyone connected to the gauntlet of disclosure. The betrayer is challenged to expose hidden secrets that destroy trust. The betrayed waits for words that are daggers to the heart. The end result is a crushing carnage of hurt that cripples and at times is irreparable. 

Couples who try to survive this tsunami of emotional pain experience a roller coaster of devastating feelings that rock their foundation. Stress on the relationship is extreme. Often, the betrayer doesn’t disclose all of the details, and the betrayed is left to wait for the next shoe to fall. The betrayer pulls away from further details of disclosure like someone retreating after touching a hot stove. Heartache and anger are inevitable to the betrayed in the presence of shock and disbelief. The intensity escalates each partner to polarizing positions toward each other. 

Addicts often ask, “What do I say when my partner asks why I betrayed and then did it again? Were you thinking of me before you decided to violate your vows to me?” The question begs for an answer and a salve that will make the pain go away. The dilemma is that no matter what you say there is no fix because you cannot make the pain go away with words. Many addicts panic when asked why because they don’t know the answer and can’t think of a solution.

There are a few things you can do.

1. You can respond by saying it straight. Tell on yourself when you have minimized or omitted hurtful admissions. Clarify your behavior that added a crazy-making environment to your betrayed partner. Surrender to the distrust your partner felt because of your deceit. When asked “Why would you do this to me and your kids?” Be honest. Don’t evade tough questions. If you don’t know, admit it. In time, recovery and treatment will help you know why and you can express your understanding then. However, in the moment be clear and truthful and let go of trying to fix your partner’s anguish. Easier said than done but necessary.

2. Let go of trying to fix your partner’s pain.  When you see your partner in agony, it is normal to want to say or do something to take away the pain. Trying to fix it by saying what you think they want to hear will backfire. Saying you’re sorry and promising to never do the behavior again will not take away the never-ending pain. Betrayers who obsessively try to fix their betrayed partner’s hurt with attempts at solution responses focus on trying to escape not only their partner’s pain but also their own self-contempt. Healing advances for both parties when the hurt from devastation is recognized. The only way to resolve the pain is to go through the heartache and the intense feelings that accompany broken trust.  So, stop repeating “I’m sorry!” Don’t offer any more solutions for the betrayed partner’s pain. Sit with your own disturbed breach of personal values. Let this journey be your path to healing. Allow your partner to have their personal struggle to get through your crippling conduct.

3. You can validate! Replace empty promises and apologies with validating words and behavior. When your partner screams out in pain, simply validate that what they feel makes sense and is as awful as they feel and express. When pain is expressed by those you’ve hurt, save explanations of your behavior and simply validate. Later will be a better time to give the needed explanation. Needed apologies are appropriate after you have painstakingly validated the harm you have done when your partner expresses grief and hurt from your betrayal. 

You will need to validate your own pain. Becoming busy with recovery programs, vocational work, or tending to family activities can become a way of escape and avoidance from your own emotional pain. You will need to validate your pain in order to authentically be present for the pain of your betrayed partner. 

Essentially, betrayal is a traumatization of both the betrayer and the betrayed. You will need to say it straight to yourself and your partner.  You will need to lean into the pain of your hurtful behavior. There are no words that fix it. Healing will require that you validate yourself and the one whose heart is broken by your betrayal behavior. These actions are more healing than the words you choose to explain or attempt to alleviate the pain in the presence of betrayal behavior. 

Taking Time To Learn From Yesterday

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“Life is meant to be lived forward but can only be understood backwards.” —Soren Kierkegaard

Many times people disconnect their past from their present experience. In the addiction recovery world, there is a reference made to walking around the elephant in the living room. It highlights how denial fuels the function of addictive behavior.  In order to survive, an addict learns to live a pretend life by ignoring what is real and embracing what is fictitious.  This dysfunctional way of living paves a pathway toward addiction behavior. People learn to live a disconnected life.

Twenty-five hundred years ago, the Buddha emphasized the importance of the interconnectedness of everything. He said for us to look at a leaf.  It contains the sky, the earth, and the sun in terms of what it needs to grow. He said the birth and death of any phenomenon is related to the birth and death of all other phenomena.  The one contains the many and the many contain the one. Without the one, there cannot be the many and without the many there cannot be the one. 

Life is interconnected. It becomes a tapestry that weaves the healthy experience with the dysfunctional. It connects bitter with sweet. It couples joy with sorrow and success with failure. It is all intersectional.

Important studies suggest that people are biopsychosocial beings. This means that we cannot isolate our physical essence from our mind and we cannot separate the individual from the environment. The history of your environmental background is significant for you to better understand the struggles that you experience around addictive behavior. Studies show that growing up in a family with a lot of stress and relational isolation impacts children’s ability to learn. A child learns to dissociate from stress and anxiety in early childhood. Later the child easily connects the numbing out with addictive behavior.

Studies show that economics matter too. People who are poor face more stress than others. They are more likely to breathe polluted air, have less access to healthcare, and be unable to address preventative health concerns, including emotional concerns because they do not have the resources to do so. They are more likely to become a victim of a system that considers material things more important than connection as human beings. 

All of this suggests it is important to look backward in order to understand your present addictive behavior. Your addiction indicates a desire to escape stress and anxiety, not only present but historical. You will need to unpack childhood stress in order to release its destructive impact. Many parents have done their best while facing impossible circumstances.  Understanding your addiction as not a result of poor choices but as a coping mechanism that evolved from unmet needs or abuse will help you integrate effective treatment so that you can look forward without being dominated by addiction. 

Studies show that you are actually wired for connection, love, and compassion. A supportive 12-step community can have a huge impact on long-term sobriety. Here are some suggestions to help you reconnect your past with your present. 

1. Connect with nature:  Take a walk through the woods. Notice the energy of life all around you. Slow your thoughts and connect your awareness to the plant life, the birds in the air, and the ants on the ground. See yourself as a part of the greater energy of life.

2. Connect with others: Studies show that we have less contact, intimacy, and trust with others than ever before. Call a friend. Take time to listen to what’s important in their life. Take time to share what is important to you.  Be willing to be vulnerable. Share what hurts and longings that are left unmet. Risk trusting that your friend cares about what matters to you. Put yourself out there and show that you care what matters to them.

3. Connect with what is meaningful in your work: Many experience their work as meaningless. There is no vision or passion. As a result, they turn to how they look, the accumulation of things, etc. But, they have no sense of value in what they do at their work. Determine to reconnect with making a difference in what you do for work. It may be something that others will not notice when you do it. You may not be rewarded financially.  Yet, finding meaningfulness in your work will help you reconnect with yourself.

4. Connect with yourself: Most people have had gut feelings that they ignored and wish they hadn’t.  This suggests that some people learn to separate from themselves. Two-year-olds know what they feel in their gut and express it. Gut feelings tell us what is friendly and what is dangerous. They tell us what is true and what is false. Take time to listen to your heart. Pay attention to your feelings. It will help you regain connection with yourself and integrate that connection with the world around you. 

Being connected to yourself, others, and the world around you requires that you embrace the insights from the past while keeping your eyes focused on the present moment. We are biopsychosocial beings that need healthy connections with all living things. 

Relationship Rabbit Holes

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“If you don’t know where you are going any path will get you there, except the path leading to a rabbit hole.” – Anonymous

Addicts are forever getting hooked on issues that lead to a rabbit hole. A rabbit hole in a relationship looks like an old argument never settled where either party could avoid the front end and go to the back end of the conflict, and just fight endings. Both know the content and are stuck with no solution, ending at the same place where they started. Rabbit holes always bring you back where you began with no change in position. Rabbit hole experiences are strange, confusing, and hard to escape. 

Motivated by guilt from past affairs, Tom, a sex addict, consented to late-night questions that led to an all too familiar fight with his partner. They never ended or resolved anything. By 3 am Tom was not only exhausted but felt as guilty as he ever did before the fight began. This fight is repeated regularly.  The painful pattern of going down the rabbit hole late at night is common to many addicts and conflicted relationships. Addicts often think going down the rabbit hole with their partner is a form of penance they must pay because of their destructive behavior. 

Annette, who found out about her sex addict husband’s numerous one-night stands, took the bait and tried to monitor his every move with trackers, cellphone finders, and all sorts of investigative techniques. Her goal was to keep him safe from any possibility of future act-outs. She never really felt safe in the relationship. She learned in the disclosure that he secretly kept a separate phone and used his regular phone as a decoy to cover his tracks. He even parked his car in a place he announced he would be and was picked up by an affair partner for a tryst that lasted about the time he said he would be at the false location. Turned out his wife’s efforts for safety took her down a rabbit hole.

How many times have partners to addicts listened to empty promises and hollow commitments that led to a rabbit hole? How can you avoid a rabbit hole in your recovery and in your relationships?

1. Be a spectator when invited to the race: Rabbit holes in relationships resemble a race. Like a race, the environment is familiar. The opponents know each other. But, unlike a race, where the goal is to declare a winner, the intent of a relationship rabbit hole is to create a game more about whiners than declaring a winner in the conversation. So when you find yourself entering a conversation about an old argument, choose to be a spectator and observe rather than going down the rabbit hole thinking you’ll win when ultimately it’s just a time to whine with nothing ever changed.

2. Detach: Rabbit holes in relationships can be like black ice. Before you realize what’s happened, you have slipped and fallen into a rabbit hole, finding yourself in an old haunted conflict engaging the same old dance with the same results, exhausted with no change. When you realize you have fallen into a rabbit hole, catch yourself in mid-sentence and stop. Detach! Simply stop in your tracks. Take a deep breath and let go of the energy. Refuse to continue. It will be awkward but the pattern interrupt will enable you to get out of the rabbit hole. This tactic can be especially helpful around conflicts that involve political disagreements and global warming conversations as well as crazy-making relationship fights.

3. Build boundaries that don’t blow others away. Today, with social media, it is popular to be rude and tell people to go to hell or to shut up. Some people identify this as disrespecting boundaries. Yet, boundaries are not designed to control someone else’s behavior with rude remarks. Boundaries are established so that you can manage your own behavior, not others. A great way to avoid a relationship rabbit hole is to establish a boundary and not engage in the verbal vitriol that is promised to ensue from incendiary language. Silence can serve as a great boundary. Rather than go down the rabbit hole that you have engaged in countless times before, simply remain silent. Smile with acknowledgment or say “I hear what you are saying.” When someone pushes you to respond, set a boundary and say no more. You don’t have a boundary without a consequence, not to punish but to take care of yourself. When things get circular so that round and round you go, simply end your part of the conversation. It’s a simple way to avoid or escape the rabbit hole in conversation with a partner or others who want to engage in unhealthy communication.  Boundaries help avoid high-risk addictive behavior. Simply not showing up to a gathering where others are likely to abuse alcohol or drugs or stepping away from conversations that are unhealthy can be effective. There is no need to blow people away with judgmental remarks or accusations. Further, when high risk is unavoidable, a simple “No thank you” can be effective when offered options that trigger addictive behavior. 

There are many rabbit holes in relationships that addicts must avoid. Tools are simple but require perseverance, practice, and conditioning in order to avoid, escape, and manage the many pitfalls that are present.  In dysfunctional conversations, if you don’t manage the flow of your own energy well, every path you take will end in a rabbit hole.

I’ve Already Done My Work

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When I was a 9th-grade boy I got a summer job detasseling corn. Detasseling corn is removing the immature pollen—the tassel—from the tops of the corn and placing it on the ground. It is a form of pollination control, employed to cross-breed two varieties of corn. Every corn plant has both male and female parts. Removing the tassels from all the plants of one variety leaves the grain that is growing on those plants to be fertilized by the tassels of the other, resulting in a hybrid.

Today most of the tassels are removed by machine. However, when I was a kid it was done manually. Kids from my hometown would be hired and bussed to farms north of town. We worked all day detasseling and then bussed back home. If you were lucky you were able to ride on a detasseling machine which allowed you to pull the tassels off corn plants without having to walk through the rows of corn. It was much easier to ride than walk. When you walked the rows it was hot. Early in the morning corn plants gathered dew from the night before. If it rained the night before you would get soaking wet and the rows were a muddy mess.  The sunshine increased the humidity and it was suffocating.  

I never got a job on the machine. I always had to work with a crew of walkers. One guy on our crew named Chuck would always end his day by 9 am. Everyone else worked until 5 pm. Chuck would say “I’ve done my work, now it’s your turn.” He figured he had enough of detasseling and simply waited in the bus for everyone else to do their work. There were thousands of acres of corn that needed to be detasseled, but Chuck thought he had done his work. He was just waiting for the rest of us to do our work so he could go home. Sometimes he would impatiently prod us to hurry up so he could go home. Chuck believed that he had done his work!

As a therapist treating addiction, I hear this refrain all too often. I hear it from addicts who tell me they don’t need to do counseling or go to a 12-step group because they have “done all their work” even though they are mystified as to why they relapsed. I hear it from partners of addicts who don’t want to go to therapy or join a support group. They tell me they previously went to therapy and have done their work. Now their addict partner is the identified patient. It’s like they are waiting for Bozo Bill or Screwed Up Sally to get their act together and everything will be just fine! I wonder if they ever met Chuck from my detasseling days.

As a therapist, I approach treatment from a systemic point of view. Like the mobile over the baby’s crib, when you strike one butterfly, all the butterflies respond in movement. So it is in treating family dysfunction and addictive behavior. When one acts out there is a response by everyone in the family system and all need to be treated. 

Addictive families want to ignore the obvious and embrace the improbable. If Bozo Bill will just stop acting out, the rest of us in this family will be just fine! Even though his wife is depressed and acting out by binging on food and the kids are enmeshed with mom, getting high on drugs with their friends. 

A partner to a sex addict often thinks that the addict is the problem. The idea is to send the addict away and get him or her fixed with therapy. The partner is devastated by betrayal but doesn’t want to do therapy because the addict is the problem. Really? It’s sort of like a pedestrian being run over by a car while crossing the street.  Paramedics are rushed to the scene and pick up the driver and rush him to the emergency room because he doesn’t know how to drive and needs help! The partner has a broken heart and needs therapeutic care for healing, but argues they are fine.  It is common to hear a partner say “Just fix Bozo Bill. I  already did my work in the past!”

Don’t get caught becoming like my detasseling buddy Chuck. Here are some considerations for healing. 

1. The work of building healthy relationships never ends. There never is a time that addressing issues on your side of the street is over. That said, the work you will need to do is not about taking responsibility for your partner’s addiction or actions. That’s not about you. However, there is a need to gain support toward healing the painful aftermath and carnage created by your partner’s acting out. There is work to be done in addressing your contribution to intimacy problems in the relationship. You didn’t cause the addictive behavior, but you do make a contribution to intimacy distance. Focus on your self-care and your responses in the relationship. There’s always work to be done.

2. Don’t assign or become the “Identified Patient.” The relationship work that needs to be done requires work by both parties. There is no “Identified Patient.” It is like the analogy of the three legs to a stool. Two legs represent the two individuals’ issues and the third leg represents the couple’s issues. Without each issue being seriously addressed, the relationship will remain hobbled.

3. Sometimes when a partner in a relationship says they have done all their work, it is a way to avoid having to face the question of whether they want to be in the relationship at all. Many times partners focus on fixing the addict with recovery and therapy to avoid facing the decision to leave the relationship. When all the attention is placed on the addict in recovery, a partner sidesteps their own unhappiness and the fear of disrupting family dynamics with a separation or divorce.

4. It requires work to face painful decisions. Taking care of yourself in addiction and partnership requires making painful choices. Setting boundaries requires following through with consequences when a boundary is not honored. In order to have a secure relationship, you will need to let go of what you cannot control. This is always difficult. It engages recovery work. Surrender is never one and done. When your relationship is stuck in a painful, destructive place, there is always work to be done by both parties. When you truly have done all of your relational work, you will be at the end of your life. You will be dead. Don’t allow yourself to be disillusioned by my childhood buddy, Chuck. There’s always work for you to do in building a healthy relationship.

Roommates? – Hello in There!

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Me and Loretta, we don’t talk much more

She sits and stares through the back door screen

And all the news just repeats itself

Like some forgotten dream that we’ve both seen. 

— Lyrics from John Prine song “Hello in There”

It didn’t seem all that long ago. The passion was strong! The love so deep. He was crazy about her and she the same about him. Then he got this job with more pay and was destined to be on the road frequently. Before long she became pregnant with their first child. The baby came and there was less time for sex, for him, and time alone for the two of them. They grew apart. Then the roof fell in. She discovered he was having an illicit affair with a co-worker while traveling.  He moved out and it looked like they would divorce. They did some counseling and he decided to end the affair and tried to repair the damage at home and began counseling with his wife. Her heart was broken and full of resentment. She couldn’t get over his deceit and broken trust. They decided to stay together for their son’s sake.  

He spent several months sleeping in the guest bedroom. After knee surgery to repair a torn ACL, he moved back into the bedroom where she currently sleeps. He’s back on the road for his work and she doesn’t trust him further than she can throw him. She spends a lot of time with the friends she met at the workout club and keeping up with their son who is now 6 and involved with many extracurricular activities. She complains about operating a taxi service but it does keep her connected to her friends. These days he spends weekdays traveling for his work and she tries to visit her parents and family on the weekend. These days they both have resentment toward the other, sex is non-existent and they have become like ships passing in the night. Essentially, their passionate relationship has degenerated to only being roommates. 

This story is all too familiar with addict relationships that I work with. It happens to many different couples, not just addicts. How do relationship dynamics disintegrate so quickly?

1. Corroded commitment. Most committed relationships begin with high intensity. It’s easy to be excited about the other, and the desire for intimacy is at an all-time peak. Of course, when the spectacular wears thin, everyday life dulls the desire for emotional intimacy. Responsibility increases with the arrival of children and life evolves with new career vistas and the kids’ activities. There is less focus on relational commitment. Sexual intimacy decreases, differences that create conflict go unresolved, and cutting invective goes without apology. Slowly 2 people become roommates trying to get through the day.

2. Corrosive trust.  Signs of broken trust begin early in a relationship. White lies to avoid conflict, insecurity around money, family, friends, and flirtation can accumulate like a thousand cuts to trust in a relationship. Often, the relationship collapses with the discovery of infidelity, betrayal around money, or a position taken around an in-law that threatens a partner.

3. Clogged arteries in communication. At some point, the only way relationships in trouble know how to communicate is to fight or play avoidance games. Long gone is the desire to build an environment that says “I care about you”. Unfair fighting and circular conversation mires communication patterns that promote distance that destroys the possibility of connection. 

Solution:

1. Clean up your conduct. When you are not true to your heart, you won’t be connected to your partner in a meaningful way. So if you’re an addict, commit to getting sober and work a program that enhances sobriety and serenity. If you are full of resentment and treat your partner with deceit and disrespect, clean it up. Sounds simple and is, but it’s not easy. Your attitude and behavior are what keep you stuck with intimacy-disabling behaviors. Changing your attitude and behavior toward your partner is the one thing that will help you deepen connection or will enlighten you if the relationship needs to end.

2. Re-connect by being real. Humility and vulnerability are the soft spot in human relationships that creates connection. Hard black-and-white statements that condemn or judge your partner will widen the gap between you. Being real is the answer to re-connect. Many partners in a relationship think their partner expects something they are not — more muscle, more macho, more sex, or more money. Yet, it has been proven that healthy relationships flourish when two people choose to be vulnerable and share openly with each other no matter the circumstances.

3. Be curious about your partner. It is common for partners in a relationship to presume that the other knows how they think, what’s important, what they don’t like, and how to be there for them emotionally. Yet, this is seldom true. It is critical to be curious about your partner. Curious about what makes them happy and what triggers frustration and disappointment. When commitment in a relationship begins to wane, so does curiosity. You make judgmental statements and conclusions without being curious about why your partner did what they did or even understanding what was said. The lack of curiosity fuels frustration, breaks connection, and accelerates complacency in a committed relationship.

4. Create and maintain a clear conduit for communication. An effective line of communication is like the carotid artery to the brain. When it becomes clogged, the life and health of the relationship is at risk. This includes establishing skills and ways to download everyday experiences and emotional expression within the relationship. It embraces conflict resolution skills. It recognizes circular fruitless arguments and shifts from them by invoking purposeful speaking and listening skills. Partners agree to commit to a fight-fair contract designed to preserve dignity and respect toward each other. 

At times I hear struggling couples minimize using the aforementioned tools. Of course, there are many ways to cultivate and maintain intimate connections. That said, couples who sincerely invest in the principles toward solution build a strong foundation for intimacy and fulfill a relationship destined to be more than just roommates.

New Days From Old Family Scripts

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Family scripts and experiences are carved in stone. Recovery requires a significant long-term effort to disconnect the emotional wiring that sabotages relational intimacy caused by family dysfunction. Many of us have turned inward unable to connect to others. At the time, it was a necessary choice in order to survive the lack of safe, loving, and consistent care from our primary caregivers. For many, mom and dad were good people who did some lousy parenting. They did the best they could most of the time. It just wasn’t enough. As a result, many of us learned to numb ourselves from the myriad of unhealthy childhood experiences to protect ourselves from disintegration and pain. 

Today our relationships become conflictual and difficult. We recreate past disappointments and losses that were experienced from family past. We become compulsive. We are driven from boredom by a compulsive desire for more excitement. We seek ways not to think or feel. We think that if we control situations and people around us, we will not be so likely to get hurt or be alone. So our truth becomes black and white, driven by thoughts we would like to avoid. Many of us deny reality. We want others to do our research for truth. We tell ourselves that the realities that surround us are not actual. It’s all fake news. Addicts have done this their entire lives. It’s an illusion that we embrace to numb the out-of-control and over-control cycles that create more and more chaos. We learn to compartmentalize so that we see these weaknesses in others to avoid the impact of our own past experiences in our family of origin.

Here are a few recovery reflections from old family scripts.

1. Grieving unmet needs is important to accepting what is. There is a desire for others in our family of origin to embrace the newfound awareness and truth that is discovered in recovery. But, they don’t! In many cases, your insights are ignored and not even acknowledged. For a season, much of your energy is spent trying to help your family of origin to see what you have uncovered. Grieving takes time. You will need to let go and accept that your loved ones will likely never see what you know. Acceptance is not compromise. Rather, it leads to separating yourself from your truth. Without grieving you will fight your family and fight yourself trying to get them to understand. Acceptance leads to embracing whatever relationship you can engage with your family of origin. It always means letting go of what does not exist but you wish it did.

2. Learn to internally regulate your feelings. Allow the emotional pain from your family of origin to surface.  For me, it was like trying to hold down powerful springs that were essentially painful experiences. There was a pattern of behavioral experience that included religion, fast-paced living, and addiction that served as a cocktail for numbing out what I did not want to face or feel. The reality of painful past experiences was the springs that kept pushing back against my stubborn will, which tried to avoid the experiences I feared to face. Finally, I wore out and all of the springs started popping up all over the place. I was unable to control them. Internally, I fell apart. This was the place I began to learn to regulate my feelings. It required that I surrender to trying to control what was uncontrollable. Internal regulation included facing what was real about my parents and childhood.  Until this happened I relied upon life skills that led to intimacy disability.

3. Reconstruct your beliefs about relational fulfillment. How you do relationships will change as you reconstruct your fundamental beliefs about yourself and the world around you. Detaching from your family of origin is often necessary to realize that you are worthwhile. Others see that you are an unrepeatable miracle of God. Give yourself permission to take it in. There was a time in my life that I enjoyed the connection and friendship of others but I craved the acceptance and connection that I did not have from my family of origin. I desperately wanted their smile of approval. Like wolf pups hovering around the carcass of their dead mother hoping for milk, I hovered seeking the approval and acceptance that would never come from my family of origin. I learned to let go and move on. You must too. Learn to believe that who you are is valued. Rebuild your mistaken beliefs into affirmations that help you realize your destiny of connection, value, and relational intimacy. This reality is a result of accepting your being just the way you are. 

    For many of us, it takes a lifetime to unravel the family scripts that were carved in stone. Those who take the journey and stay the course, discover the secret of their own brilliance and genuinely rejoice in being an unrepeatable miracle of the universe.

    The Betrayal Predicament

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    “The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.” — Charles Dubois

    There are many complex consequences that come with traumatic experiences in life. When an addict chooses to act out he or she is oblivious to the whirlwind of repercussions the destructive behavior manifests. The fallout from broken trust creates a ripple effect that exists for a long time.

    Relationship betrayal is like a shoulder separation. Any movement or action triggers tremendous pain. With shoulder separation, the pain remains the same until the shoulder is back in place. With relationship betrayal, the pain remains as long as one partner stays in the “basement” and the other condescends toward the one who has betrayed. There is a long journey toward healing the breach in betrayal behavior. In the end, healing betrayal requires an acceptance of common shared brokenness between the betrayer and the betrayed. 

    The journey toward healing is long and arduous. It makes sense that the partner offended would writhe in emotional pain and rail about the behavior of the betrayer. The role of the betrayer is one of honesty and validation of the behaviors committed. Support requires that within reason a betrayer take it on the chin regarding a painful partner response. In addition, there is the expectation to stop the destructive behavior while validating the partner betrayed who is groveling with emotional pain. For the betrayer, there is this sense that you have no moral capital to stand to set boundaries after betrayal. It is common experience for a betrayer to not be trusted, to face a firestorm of anger and fury, to be called names, and to be treated with a collection of hurtful responses from a betrayed partner. After all, betrayal breaks the heart of the one betrayed. 

    That being said, actually getting emotionally naked and facing the fallout of emotions that occur when betrayal is discovered has a designated shelf life. What I have noticed is that a couple can engage in a dynamic that becomes a “pain game”. The one betrayed lashes out and the betrayer deflects. The deflection can evolve into various strategies such as all-out verbal war, hunkering down and becoming silent, or passive-aggressive behaviors that likely fuel more acting-out behaviors that might destroy the relationship.

    Relational healing requires boundaries for both partners. The partner offended by betrayal feels entitled to tongue-lash and berate. It makes sense, but it just doesn’t work toward healing. In anger, a partner betrayed can respond “I don’t care, the S.O.B deserves it all”. In many cases, for sure. In all cases, remaining stuck in this attitude will ultimately kill the possibility of healing intimacy. Partners betrayed who make the betrayer a pin cushion to be stuck at will with nasty comments of resentment will over time only have a pin cushion and not an intimate partner. This usually results in becoming stuck with bitterness.  Healing requires ongoing forgiveness and the practice of letting go and surrendering which Step 3 in a 12-step program promotes. 

    Betrayers complain about the penalty box. This embraces the mentality that the betrayer says “You screwed up so the privileges of relationship trust are suspended and you need to stay in the penalty box until I, the betrayed, say you can come out”.  Some partners who have betrayed put a chip on their shoulder and walk the corridors of their relationship seething that the betrayed hasn’t gotten over it.  This obvious sign of narcissism usually plays into a relational explosion. It is a contributing reason why so many relationships wrecked by betrayal dissolve. 

    Others, go along with the penalty box mentality, hoping to endure to see the light of the day of emancipation. This approach requires perseverance. It engages the idea that the betrayer deserves to be mistrusted and he or she must earn their way back with impeccable behavior while demonstrating acceptance that they are not worthy of trust. Some betrayers get stuck in the misbelief that they simply are not trustworthy at any level of the relationship. They even argue that they belong in the penalty box. Their perception of themselves becomes one and the same as that of the partner who was betrayed. This mistaken belief blocks emotional healing from betrayal in a relationship.

    Here are a few considerations toward healing broken trust:

    1. Empower your adult self. Don’t give your power away to the little boy or girl within you. Recovery requires the powerful resources of an adult. Often, in recovery, we surrender and give the power to the little boy or girl within. Setting a boundary with a partner who has betrayed you or the partner who has been betrayed is an adult action and should not be made from the perspective of a child in control. Take back your power. You can and must say “no more”. You don’t have to throw a temper tantrum. A direct and simple “no more” in behavioral action is enough. When you are overwhelmed and reactionary, ask yourself the question “Who has the reins of your thoughts and actions?” If it is the little boy or girl, take the reins and put them in the hands of your adult self and follow through with the action that your adult says makes sense. Addicts tend to lose themselves trying to please their offended partner. The child mentality takes over, thinking that if somehow I do whatever my partner wishes then we will be happy again. It seldom works. When you honor yourself by maintaining your boundaries, you will create the best opportunity to restore trust and harmony in the relationship.

    2. Strive to be impeccable with your word: (The Four Agreements, Ruiz) Misusing your word by not following through may have created hell for you in the past, and when you are impeccable with follow through you create beauty and heaven on earth. Honesty is crucial to healing betrayal. Disclosure is the most difficult task in betrayal recovery. Impeccability of your word is destroyed when you piecemeal and dribble out the truth. The power of honesty heals. Make up your mind that regardless of cost you will say it straight, whether you are disclosing betrayal or responding to what has broken your heart.

    3. Embrace “white water thinking.”  When you go rafting or kayaking, white water requires you to focus and be present in the here and now. To successfully navigate you must pay attention to where you are and what you must do presently. When you are going through the tumult and chaos of betrayal, it is easy to get lost in awfulizing the past and catastrophizing the future. You want to tell yourself that all is lost past, present, and future. To successfully navigate the white water of betrayal, you must focus on the here and now and be determined to do the next right thing. It is critical that you not give in to the temptation to believe it will never be better. White water thinking requires that you trust a process that if you remain present in the moment it will take me to where I need to be.

    4. Manage the shame of the behavior by affirming your sense of self while putting the shame on the destructive behavior. No matter what you have done or has been done to you, you are not a piece of shit. You can feel shitty and not be one. All parties of betrayal feel shitty, unless you are sociopathic. Yet, even sociopathic people who heal must embrace this discomfort at some point in their healing. It will require disciplined training to hold your feet to the fire of keeping the shame off your sense of self and onto the behavior. This demands community support and management whether you are the betrayer or the betrayed.

    5. Embrace the person, behavior, and relationship you believe is meant to be part of your destiny, and step by step walk in that direction. Betrayal triggers people to think it is over. The relationship may be over, but you don’t have to be done with yourself. In your deepest despair focus on the vision of what you believe is your destiny and act it into being in the here and now. Betrayal does not mean the relationship must be done. You may want it that way and this is your right to conclude. Yet, if you are not done, you have the right to move toward the relationship healing you desire. What you think about will expand. If you believe that you are flawed and that your flaws have produced the results that you suffer in betrayed behavior, you will take what is and make it less. However, if you focus on the power of healing and forgiveness, then this is what you will give yourself and others. You can send love in response to hate. This doesn’t mean you must stay in a hurtful relationship. You can cultivate forgiveness as an act of self-love and send love toward others. No amount of guilt will change anything. Embrace guilt and let it go.  You can make a personal commitment to be what you love. You do not have to allow betrayal to dominate who you are or what you think. You can find meaningfulness in your painful experience if you are willing to do whatever it takes.

    Dating Protocol Considerations to Avoid Painful Past Patterns

    by

    READ IT TO ME: Click play to listen to this post.

    According to the most recent data from the American Psychological Association, the divorce rate in the United States is around 40-50% for first marriages. As you might guess it is higher for second marriages and on up from there. You would think with those kinds of repeat numbers, you would slow the process down so that you don’t repeat the second time around the agony you experienced the first time. But, it doesn’t work that way. 

    The relief of getting away from the agony of a relationship that hurts and the need to fill the emptiness of being alone, and without the intrigue of a romantic relationship, overpowers perspective and contemplative consideration. Add to all of that the rush of oxytocin, endorphins, and dopamine that comes with the honeymoon feeling of a new relationship, and you have a cocktail kick that blows past rational thought and deliberation. It all contributes to why the likelihood of failure in a second marriage is higher than the first. 

    Analytically, we can figure it all out. Yet, even after enlightenment we go against what we know and plunge down the same rabbit hole we just escaped. 

    Why is this? There are many reasons. People carry with them old tapes of mistaken beliefs learned from their family of origin that create relationship sabotage. Why consider something that might spoil the fantasy relationship I think I can have in the here and now? Many people choose to run from what hurts and never want to stop and scrub the wounds that come from betrayal and various forms of intimacy disability. All this makes sense. It’s just that doing the same thing you have always ever done, doesn’t work toward healing a broken heart that comes from a dysfunctional relationship. 

    So, here are some considerations to think about regarding relationship healing, before engaging the next exclusive romantic relational experience.

    1. Take some time to catch your breath. You have been running so hard to fix the hurt of the old relationship in ways that did not work, or you are running as hard as you can to get away from the relational pain. Take a time out and catch your breath. Relationships in distress or pursuit burn a lot of emotional BTUs. How much time do you take? One size doesn’t fit all. Some people need 6 months; others need a year. The time you need is unique to you. After you have calmed the chaos, the amount of time you need to heal before engaging in a serious new relationship will vary. The point is to catch your breath before rushing ahead. 

    2. You will need time to grieve. How much time? Again, it varies. The rule of thumb is that you will need more time than you are thinking about right now! You will need time to grieve what used to be and no longer is. You will need to grieve what never was that you hoped would have been. You will need to grieve the reality of what is. It’s hard to engage in grieving when the oxytocin, endorphins, and dopamine are rushing through your veins with someone new. Most of us don’t know how to grieve deeply. We cry, feel empty, might get drunk, and on we go to the next relationship. But, there’s the need to go deep and feel the hurt of the sadness of what will never be again. Relationship ties undone with family, the loss of the good times, the hurt of the pain, and the impact on others (kids particularly, friends, relatives, etc) all must be embraced experientially before moving on to something new in a serious relationship. The truth is that you will need to create space in your life to grieve and let go of what used to be periodically for the rest of your life. It isn’t meant to grovel in the pain of an old relationship. Yet, recognizing painful experiences in past relationships and letting go is a part of the pattern of being an adult. The time it takes you to sufficiently grieve will vary and you will be wise to consult with counsel and to live in consultation with support people. 

    3. Learn to be with yourself. When you end a relationship there is an empty spot. There is a great temptation to fill it in with another relationship, work, travel, and a lot of other activities. Our culture provides so much stimulation that you can just go from one high to the next. But, you won’t heal yourself that way or know who you really are by doing a blitz on stimulants that come from dating and other activities. Embrace the winter of your life and learn from it.

    4. Unravel the patterns that sabotage intimacy. If you don’t you will keep doing it and likely blame the other party for your relationship unfulfillment. Some people can date and unravel this self-sabotage behavior at the same time through counseling and group support. Most of us cannot. If you have never been in a riptide current at the beach, you would be wise to stop swimming and learn from those who have experienced and managed the riptide. Ignoring this suggestion is how many people drown in the next relationship doing the same things as before. Unraveling your self-sabotage pattern that contributes to relational failure is difficult. You will need to address unresolved family of origin issues that contribute to the way you do relationships today. Soren Kierkegaard was right when he wrote “Life is meant to be lived forward but can only be understood backward”. To move forward and not self-sabotage you will need to look backward and understand what brought you to where you are today. On the other hand, it’s easier to blame your past partner and keep truckin’ wondering why you keep hooking up with partners who hurt you.

    5. Sex is always an issue: If you are stuck in the juggernaut of sexual addiction, sex has become an organizing principle of your life. Any reason is a good reason to be sexual. Most likely your behavior is about objectifying another person. Objectification is a way of using another person to get your needs met without dignity and respect or consideration of others. Non-addicted people can objectify as well. If you use another person’s space to meet your needs without proper scrutiny of that individual’s needs then you are objectifying that person. Some people say no sex for 6 months or 1 year after a breakup! Maybe so or maybe not! It makes sense to discipline your tendency to accelerate physical connection so that with moderate speed you are better able to distinguish the difference between intensity of feeling and true intimacy. All too often with oxytocin, adrenaline, and dopamine in control, people thicken the plot to an unhealthy relationship by mistaking intensity for intimacy. In this equation, addicts can’t get enough of what they don’t need and many non addicts adopt an unspoken mentality that my half plus your half will make us a whole! On the contrary, you take what is and make it less because the other person cannot supply your basic need for self-care, so 1/2 + 1/2 = 1/4, not a whole. 

    6. Don’t forget the impact on other key relationships: This doesn’t mean you don’t date. It just means that you don’t date lacking sensitivity to the community of people who provide support and who respect and love you. This includes careful considerations about dating others who were once romantically involved with your friends, family, or workmates. Most companies have policies that govern romantic relationships at work. However, not all are the same and many people try to bend the rules to engage in romance. It’s important to be careful and considerate in comprehending the consequences of romance in these situational dynamics. Children need to be carefully considered. Bringing a new person in and out of their lives can be very destructive to them without thoughtful consideration of their care. Each of these impacts requires consultation and accountability with people who are in your support group. 

    We are all designed to experience connection with others. How we engage romance requires thoughtful preparation and consideration so that the charm that wells up within does not become harm that hurts others.

    The Effectiveness of Truth Telling Toward a Deeper Healing in Relational Betrayal

    by

    READ IT TO ME: Click play to listen to this post.

    Beth had been partnered with Steve for 12 years. She thought they were doing just fine. There were a few scuffles and every now and then she felt some distance but overall she figured it was just what people go through in a relationship. Then she stumbled into a pit of horror one afternoon looking for a phone number for Steve’s brother. She noticed a list of numbers that were foreign to her. She called one and found out it was an escort service. She had no idea. She was numb with shock and even though the evidence of infidelity was clear as a bell she was hoping that there would be a legitimate answer to this horrible reality. 

    There wasn’t. At first, Steve lied about the inquiry. Then he finally came clean. It was piecemeal. If Beth asked the right question he gave her an honest response. This went on for a few days until such a point that Beth was unsure she would ever get the truth to the full extent. Now she had a dilemma. Do I leave the relationship? When can I know the last shoe of disclosure has dropped? Do I ask for a polygraph? How do I live with him knowing that he has so prolifically, profoundly lied to me? Who in the hell can possibly understand this crazy-making experience that I feel from being gaslit? There were a ton of other questions that raged within. 

    Couples like Beth and Steve who experience infidelity will only heal through truth-telling. While the steps toward healing are not cookie cut, truth-telling must be embraced, particularly when there is compulsive infidelity.  Every stone must be turned over so that there are no secrets. A polygraph can be helpful to establish that a full disclosure has been made. 

    When truth is agonizingly piece-mealed it is torture to the offended partner. “I wanna believe, but how can I when details dribble out that break my heart” is a common response.

    Truth-telling about secret behaviors is essential but not sufficient. The partner in shock wants to know “Where did this behavior come from”. “This is not who I thought I was partnering with or what I thought I would get!” It is significant for the philandering partner to understand the cycle of offending behavior and disclose what was going on within that led to the hurtful behavior. The behavior did not happen out of the blue. If so, you would have been even yet more unpredictable. Digging in and understanding the mistaken beliefs, build-up behaviors and triggers that precipitated betrayal is a necessary truth-telling step for both the betrayer and the one betrayed. At least the betrayed can begin to grapple with what’s been going on inside their partner who betrayed. 

    Truth-telling establishes a ground zero in a relationship pockmarked with infidelity that helps to determine the potential future of the relationship. It does not guarantee that the relationship can be salvaged, but without it, healing doesn’t happen.

    Once these two momentous steps in truth-telling have been taken, there will be questions that nag the betrayed. How could my partner pull off this behavior under my very eyes? Why would they do this? What is wrong with me that I ended up screwed over like this? 

    A process of clarification is a necessary next step of truth-telling. It is important to understand that when you choose to violate the values of another it is a victimizing behavior. There is an offender in every one of us which expresses itself through a mentality that “wants what I want when I want it”. It is this part that is the core of offending behavior. The offending behavior must be exposed for what it is—the epitome of narcissism. 

    What must be cultivated in the heart of the offending person is the capacity to tell on themselves to the offended party. It is one thing for your victim to recognize by his or her own insight that you, as an offender, have victimized. It is a more powerful healing experience to the relationship when the offending party demonstrates awareness of ways in which they have victimized. Clarification is a way to “unbrainwash” your victimized partner so they understand that you “get it” and that they were not responsible for your abusive behavior in any way. 

    There are 12 steps:

    1. The obvious. Identify the way you offended your partner.

    2. Identify 5 memories of special promises that are now spoiled because of your betrayal.

    3. Make a list of 3 overt and covert ways your partner would have resisted your behavior had they known.

    4. Identify 3 ways you groomed yourself and your partner around your betrayal behavior.

    5. Identify 3 lies you told yourself, excuses you made to justify your behavior, and rationales that gave you a sense of entitlement to betray.

    6. Describe the “smoke screens” you used to keep your partner off track (moodiness/busyness, etc).

    7. Share how dishonesty around relationships occurred before you ever knew your partner in attitude, fantasy, and action.

    8. Validate the confusing mixed messages you gave your partner through examples that you own. (secrets you kept)

    9. Identify 3 others who would not do what you did, and areas it would not be wise to be trusted without accountability.

    10. Give examples of ways you tried to hide your behavior from certain others.

    11. Validate your partner’s boundaries and ways they distanced themselves from you after learning of your betrayal.

    12. Validate that whatever weaknesses your partner may have, they are inconsequential to your choice of destructive behavior. Also, identify 3 hardships that your behavior has caused for your partner. 

    When you complete these steps, weave your responses into a letter. Share them with your partner. Ask her to have a supportive person (therapist, coach, and/or others) to be with her as she listens. You will be wise to have the same support. 

    There is an offender in us all. It would be wise for the partner who has been offended to consider ways in which they have offended their partner. Likely, betrayal is not your concerned behavior. Of course, you have done nothing to make your partner act out and betray you. Yet, you have contributed to intimacy distance in some way. It will be helpful for you to compose a clarification process for your betrayal partner. You will find healing through common awareness of shortcomings whatever they may be. 

    The steps of truth-telling around betrayal require guidance. Usually, a trained professional is necessary but not always. For sure, truth-telling requires courage and being anchored to your adult self. Yet, those who engage in this courage know the freedom of healing that truth-telling achieves.

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