Tools

Relationship Rabbit Holes

READ IT TO ME: Click play to listen to this post.

“If you don’t know where you are going any path will get you there, except the path leading to a rabbit hole.” – Anonymous

Addicts are forever getting hooked on issues that lead to a rabbit hole. A rabbit hole in a relationship looks like an old argument never settled where either party could avoid the front end and go to the back end of the conflict, and just fight endings. Both know the content and are stuck with no solution, ending at the same place where they started. Rabbit holes always bring you back where you began with no change in position. Rabbit hole experiences are strange, confusing, and hard to escape. 

Motivated by guilt from past affairs, Tom, a sex addict, consented to late-night questions that led to an all too familiar fight with his partner. They never ended or resolved anything. By 3 am Tom was not only exhausted but felt as guilty as he ever did before the fight began. This fight is repeated regularly.  The painful pattern of going down the rabbit hole late at night is common to many addicts and conflicted relationships. Addicts often think going down the rabbit hole with their partner is a form of penance they must pay because of their destructive behavior. 

Annette, who found out about her sex addict husband’s numerous one-night stands, took the bait and tried to monitor his every move with trackers, cellphone finders, and all sorts of investigative techniques. Her goal was to keep him safe from any possibility of future act-outs. She never really felt safe in the relationship. She learned in the disclosure that he secretly kept a separate phone and used his regular phone as a decoy to cover his tracks. He even parked his car in a place he announced he would be and was picked up by an affair partner for a tryst that lasted about the time he said he would be at the false location. Turned out his wife’s efforts for safety took her down a rabbit hole.

How many times have partners to addicts listened to empty promises and hollow commitments that led to a rabbit hole? How can you avoid a rabbit hole in your recovery and in your relationships?

1. Be a spectator when invited to the race: Rabbit holes in relationships resemble a race. Like a race, the environment is familiar. The opponents know each other. But, unlike a race, where the goal is to declare a winner, the intent of a relationship rabbit hole is to create a game more about whiners than declaring a winner in the conversation. So when you find yourself entering a conversation about an old argument, choose to be a spectator and observe rather than going down the rabbit hole thinking you’ll win when ultimately it’s just a time to whine with nothing ever changed.

2. Detach: Rabbit holes in relationships can be like black ice. Before you realize what’s happened, you have slipped and fallen into a rabbit hole, finding yourself in an old haunted conflict engaging the same old dance with the same results, exhausted with no change. When you realize you have fallen into a rabbit hole, catch yourself in mid-sentence and stop. Detach! Simply stop in your tracks. Take a deep breath and let go of the energy. Refuse to continue. It will be awkward but the pattern interrupt will enable you to get out of the rabbit hole. This tactic can be especially helpful around conflicts that involve political disagreements and global warming conversations as well as crazy-making relationship fights.

3. Build boundaries that don’t blow others away. Today, with social media, it is popular to be rude and tell people to go to hell or to shut up. Some people identify this as disrespecting boundaries. Yet, boundaries are not designed to control someone else’s behavior with rude remarks. Boundaries are established so that you can manage your own behavior, not others. A great way to avoid a relationship rabbit hole is to establish a boundary and not engage in the verbal vitriol that is promised to ensue from incendiary language. Silence can serve as a great boundary. Rather than go down the rabbit hole that you have engaged in countless times before, simply remain silent. Smile with acknowledgment or say “I hear what you are saying.” When someone pushes you to respond, set a boundary and say no more. You don’t have a boundary without a consequence, not to punish but to take care of yourself. When things get circular so that round and round you go, simply end your part of the conversation. It’s a simple way to avoid or escape the rabbit hole in conversation with a partner or others who want to engage in unhealthy communication.  Boundaries help avoid high-risk addictive behavior. Simply not showing up to a gathering where others are likely to abuse alcohol or drugs or stepping away from conversations that are unhealthy can be effective. There is no need to blow people away with judgmental remarks or accusations. Further, when high risk is unavoidable, a simple “No thank you” can be effective when offered options that trigger addictive behavior. 

There are many rabbit holes in relationships that addicts must avoid. Tools are simple but require perseverance, practice, and conditioning in order to avoid, escape, and manage the many pitfalls that are present.  In dysfunctional conversations, if you don’t manage the flow of your own energy well, every path you take will end in a rabbit hole.

The Sweet Spot of Centered Living

READ IT TO ME: Click play to listen to this post.

Every day presents a new set of circumstances and issues in addict recovery. Some days go smoothly without major conflict while other days are challenged with triggers, cravings, and stress that create feelings of insecurity, impatience, and overall struggle. There is no necessary rhyme or reason. It is the common thread of issues that addicts in recovery grapple with in order to remain sober. For sure, staying sober is a battle of resistance with the forces of life that tug and pull to numb out with a cocktail of addictive processes. 

Addicts in recovery learn to create a sweet spot which represents a center of balance in life to respond to life’s provocations. In racquetball, the sweet spot on the court is the space maintained that gives the best vantage to respond to the opponent’s shot. The sweet spot in recovery is the space that an addict creates that offers the best possibility to engage tests and temptations from an empowered position and with poise. Trauma professionals sometimes refer to this space as a window of tolerance. This is a place you are able to self-soothe. You are able to maintain emotional self-regulation. It’s the position that you are best able to access resilience and flexibility. In the midst of everyday fray, you are capable of being connected to your mind, body, and emotions anchored in the window of tolerance. 

Some days just don’t play out in the sweet spot. You scramble to keep up with a busy schedule. People criticize you for shortcomings. Life throws you one curve ball after another. The harder you try, the “behinder” you get. It’s just one of those days or one of those seasons in life. The build-up of stress with physical and emotional fatigue triggers cravings that push you to the precipice of relapse. It’s amazing how quickly you can be right on the edge of disaster.

This experience is what trauma professionals refer to as flooding which can be hyperarousal (fight or flight) or hypo-arousal (freeze). Addicts must pay attention to the warning signs to avoid the pitfalls of relapse. 

Triggers are the memories, core beliefs, feelings, and body sensations which are connected to past traumatic experiences that have the potential to move you out of your sweet spot in recovery. Addicts benefit when they do the homework of identifying mistaken beliefs that block intimacy and monitor those beliefs daily. Rather than going all out to eliminate the belief, simply paying attention with a skillset to shift out of the mistaken belief that enervates and empowers addictive response, and shift into an intimacy-abling belief is all that is needed. It is important to become aware of life situations, relationship challenges, and mental states that fuel mistaken beliefs and address them daily. 

Flashback memories of old experiences are just that! They are not reality in the present moment no matter how powerful they seem. They trigger maladaptive responses and require the grounding skill of “acting as if”, meaning that in spite of the felt struggle, you commit to act doing the next right thing regardless of feeling. It may require ritual breathing, keeping your eyes open, and grounded conversation. It doesn’t mean I must act out in old destructive behaviors. 

Triggers can activate hyper arousal response including building anxiety, impulsivity, reactivity, anger, rage, nightmare, rigidity, and hyper-vigilance. You may notice difficulty in concentrating, obsessive-compulsive thoughts or behaviors or panic, and becoming easily irritated.  Many addicts do program work without ever paying attention to these critical signs of hyper arousal that take them out of their sweet spot.

A hypo arousal response is also a sign of flooding which pulls you from your window of tolerance. This response includes depression, fatigue, not being present, dissociation, feeling numb, going on autopilot, and disconnecting from feelings. You may experience increased aches and pains and not be able to think very clearly. 

It will be important for you to evaluate your typical response to the trials and tribulations of recovery living that pull you from your sweet spot. Managing your ability to return to the sweet spot in recovery requires that you discipline your awareness to recognize the warning signs of flooding. 

Do you most likely respond with freeze or fight/flight given the description of both responses? Many clients have told me that their body experiences periodic aches and pains without ever considering that the source of this discomfort might trace back to a hypo-aroused response to the stressors of life that pull them away from their window of tolerance. Others think medication is needed to quell the anxiety and panic that dominates them every day. Still others are stupefied wondering why they are having nightmares, being so reactive with anger and rage. One reason you may find yourself emotionally eating is because of the fight or flight response to the stress and tension that exists within your life. You may need a prescription to alleviate the intense edge of anxiety that triggers a rageful response. It can be helpful to attend an Overeaters Anonymous group to stop destructive out-of-control eating. Yet, for sure, it will be critical to recognize the warning sign that triggers the emotional flooding. You will need to address the stressful situation and recognize the flood in your life which pulls you out of your sweet spot in recovery. Consider these steps:

1. What expectations do you have in your life and your recovery? Be clear and specific. Are your expectations realistic? We all begin with enthusiasm and a lot of fire in recovery. It will flame out if your recovery goals are not realistic. Be clear and accountable for your bottom lines. A contract without accountability has no bite to it. 

2. Examine the Data. Project out a few weeks. When you get to a certain point in your recovery journey, evaluate if the results are what you intended. Like plays drawn up on the chalkboard at halftime in a football game, the way it works out on the field of recovery may be quite different than what you planned. Look at what you intended when you made your commitment to improve your behavior with your sponsor or in a recovery room. Are your results what you meant to be reality? Be honest, practical, and realistic in your assessment.

3. Make adjustments. This is key. Returning to your sweet spot will require that you work out of your rigidity and become flexible. Things never work out just the way you plan. What you thought would be easy will sometimes be hard. This is the way it is in life, not just recovery. Your working recovery from the sweet spot will require that you be flexible and make adjustments.  Embrace a sweet reasonableness about your expectations. Know when to apply the strict letter of the law to your recovery life and when to be gentle with what you expect from yourself and others. This is a practiced art form. 

The sweet spot for recovery growth requires gardening. Utilize your quiet time each day to recenter your focus. Know your tools for regulation and how to use them. I encourage addicts to create a plethora of recovery tools that are placed on the shelf for resources like a woodworker puts her tools on the shelf of her garage. Practice what you know. It will help you to return to your window of tolerance. It is the sweet spot that propels long-term growth and serenity.