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Once I watched the Boston Celtics lose a 7th and deciding game to the Miami Heat in the Eastern Conference finals of the NBA on their home court in Boston. Fans were disappointed and the players seemed somewhat shocked. The Celtics have played in 36 game 7 playoff games and have won 27 championships—not bad! Not only did they lose a game 7 but so did the hockey Bruins, both in the same season. Newspapers called the performance of both teams embarrassing and pitiful.

The Celtics began the night stone-cold behind the arc and it snowballed from there. When their shooting is on they are practically unbeatable. They just were not on against a very good team.

People become very sensitive about winning and losing. Of course, everyone wants to be a winner, and losing is something you want to avoid and not talk about. The truth is everyone experiences the devastation of loss far more frequently than winning.

It’s important to talk about results you can and cannot control, and how to make meaningfulness from it all since it is a common thread to everyday living.

You cannot control the results: You can create a pool of great talent, shape the environment, influence those around you, control work ethic, control attitude, and approach, and chisel your own mindset toward winning. You just cannot control the outcome. At the end of the season for every team sport there is one winner and everyone else loses. Even the winner is not a winner for very long. When we win we celebrate and pontificate as if we might be a champion forever. But it fades quickly!

I don’t think the Miami Heat wanted to win more than the Boston Celtics wanted to win. When you try to control all the factors that go into a team result, plus overcome the factors that might be going really well for your opponent, it brings you to the precipice of results you cannot always control.

The Celtics won game 6 with a tip-in by a player that was in the right place at the right time with one-tenth of a second left on the clock. Had that not happened there would not have even been a game 7! You cannot choreograph that result. It was happenstance that 2 teams very much wanted to win but one guy makes a tip-in at the buzzer! It’s luck! Vegas thought the luck would continue by favoring the Celtics by 7.5 points at home. They lost by 19. It wasn’t meant to be. Many times it is not meant to be that you will be the champion.

Michael Jordan who is considered by himself and many others to be the greatest basketball player in the history of the NBA won 6 titles out of 15 seasons. As an owner for 13 seasons, he has only won 3 playoff games, period! Is it because he doesn’t want to win bad enough? I don’t want to be around when you tell him that. It would not be safe. It simply suggests you cannot control the results all the time.

However, there are things you can control. One thing is a deep belief in yourself. You can be a heart champion. Heart champions are a different breed and are spawned from a different ilk. There is so much more than the score at the end of the game. Self-definition comes from a deeper source. It’s about the preparation, the sacrifice, the sweat, and engagement of uncertainty. A heart champion’s life is determined within before the game is ever played and independent of the score at the end of the game. It has to do with connecting congruency with values of the heart.

A heart champion is more concerned about being true to one’s heart and not just winning or losing. Becoming true to your heart takes a willingness to go deeper and find meaningfulness in all of life’s endeavors, including failure. It’s not like heart champions condition themselves to lose. Rather, they are carved from a deeper place down deep inside. A heart champion knows that losing is a part of the ebb and flow of life. She determines to never let an outcome define who she is. Instead, definition is determined by the vision of destiny from within which supersedes any result. Her priority is knowing that she is connected to herself, embracing all of herself—the good, the bad, and the ugly. She understands that life is a tapestry weaving together the bitter and the sweet, success and failure, triumph and tragedy. Positive results are fine and desired, but fundamentally, a heart champion already has determined that they are “an unrepeatable miracle of the universe.”

Heart champions understand that no victory will add to this reality and no defeat will take away from it. It is already etched into the stone of destiny that exists in their heart. It is this deep self-belief that enables a heart champion to go deep with disappointment, bitter loss, and uncertainty. Still with great confidence, know that they will rise again!

John Kennedy Jr. was killed in July of 1999 when he was caught in a deadly graveyard spiral while flying his airplane at night over the Atlantic Ocean. The official report suggested that Kennedy fell victim to spatial disorientation while descending over the water at night.

For pilots, a graveyard spiral happens when you become disoriented, have no visual reference to the horizon, and happen at night when you cannot see. The pilot mistakenly believes his wings are level when they are banked left or right. When the pilot does not increase back pressure on the yoke, the plane starts to descend faster and faster in a banked descent. Pulling back on the yoke, without bringing the wings level, tightens the spiral and in most cases, increases the rate of descent. The harder you pull back, the tighter the spiral, dooming the plane to ground impact.

Physiologically, the pilot can’t see the horizon. Most pilots are unable to feel the turn at the beginning of a graveyard spiral. When the pilot does not trust his/her instrument readings for whatever reason he/she is vulnerable to a graveyard spiral that quickly becomes fatal without course correction. Pulling out of a graveyard spiral requires that a pilot trust their instruments.

Addictive relapse is a graveyard spiral. When an addict fails to trust the instruments of recovery, a crash-and-burn relapse is inevitable.

Here is a list of instruments to be aware of that can prevent a graveyard spiral in recovery.

Accountability: Responsible recovery is built on accountability through cultivating purposed vulnerability. Addicts want to isolate themselves and live life in secret. Accountability intercepts dysfunction because it insists that you develop the commitment to tell on yourself. The strength of a sobriety contract is your willingness to be held accountable to people in your support network for what you put in your inner, middle, and outer circles. When this breaks down the graveyard spiral begins.

Living in Consultation: The 12-step community is a space to cultivate connection. Addicts deepen sobriety and clarify values by living in consultation with a 12-step group. Addicts lose their way when they distance themselves from connection with others in recovery. Your best-isolated thinking puts you into a graveyard spiral that creates crash-and-burn through addictive behavior. Living in consultation is a proven lifestyle that helps you course correct and avoid graveyard spirals. Awareness remains keen to addicts who are open to the considerations and guidance of a sponsor and other 12-step support people. When addicts withdraw, become defensive or compromise consultation, the light of awareness dims. Addicts are not pathetic nor do they lack the capacity to make decisions. However, it is critical to recognize the need to live within limits and seek the guidance of a recovering community. Consistent consultation increases awareness and relapse is avoided. No one cultivates relational intimacy alone. Building a foundation of recovery requires consultation.

Commit to telling on yourself. This tool is absolutely necessary to stay the course in recovery. Vagueness fuels the possibility of relapse. Checking the boxes in recovery is a setup for a graveyard spiral. Checking the box is doing recovery without connecting to heart. This happens when you engage the fringes of recovery community. It comes from a subtle shift in attitude. When there is an opportunity to be vulnerable and share discord and incongruence you gloss over the invite and remain at a surface level of communication. Recovery healing is only present when addicts tell on themselves. This vulnerability must be cultivated at every level of life. As an addict, when you are vague in your check-in, you are in danger of a graveyard spiral. Relapse doesn’t happen all of a sudden. However, when the conditions are right and mature, backsliding happens in an instant. Crash and burn happens quicker than any addict ever thought possible. It is critical to cultivate a resolve to tell on yourself about every aspect of living. Take time to reflect. Is there any level of life that you are vague or unwilling to discuss with your support community? You will know this by examining the stones in recovery that you have left unturned and not surrendered to discussion. Examine all the aspects of your life, your attitudes, your behaviors, and your decisions. If you are vague with yourself or others in your support community you may be in a graveyard spiral and not know it.

Awareness is the third critical tool to add to your toolbox of relapse prevention. It is a skill that requires rigorous honesty with self and a commitment to open-hearted sharing of every aspect of your life with your recovery support community. Examine the congruence of your shares. Are you accountable for your hypocrisies? Have you accepted your inconsistencies as casual without answering to your support community? These dynamics fuel a graveyard spiral that leads to relapse. Awareness is everything.

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