Wisdom

Brilliance is Being

September 19, 2023 by Ken Wells

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I just watched Novak Djokovic defeat Danill Medvedev in the finals of the U.S. Open tennis championship for an unprecedented 24th Grand Slam title of his career, more than anyone in the modern history of the game. He was gritty, vulnerable, yet outlasted his opponent who was terrific. After the win, he tore his shirt off and donned a tee shirt honoring his inspirational friend the late Kobe Bryant. The shirt inscribed “Mamba Forever” with a picture of Kobe and him together.

Djokovic’s performance was brilliant. There were times in the match that it looked like he would lose. Yet, he fought back and prevailed.

After watching the event and listening to the interviews that seemed to last forever, once again I began to reflect on the concept of brilliance. I had written about the subject in a book I authored entitled, Dare to Be Average: Finding Brilliance in the Commonplace. I thought to myself this feat of accomplishment is not commonplace. Here is an unbelievable athlete with tremendous drive inspired by another past great athlete of another sport. The two of them represent great achievement, excellence, and unparalleled brilliance.

At best, I can be inspired to work harder with my time and talents so that I too can become a champion in my own right and venue in life. Of course, these aspirations are fine and motivate many to fight through all sorts of obstacles to achieve certain goals.

The reality is that there can be only one U.S. Open champion at a time which lasts only one year until it must be repeated again. Does a championship dim the brilliance of the opponent? Medvedev in his own right performed brilliantly. He was stellar with grit, determination and at times seemed to be the better player with greater endurance. Yet he lost. Does the loss mean he wasn’t brilliant? And, what about all the other competitors who succumbed in defeat leading up to the title match? Does their loss exclude them from being brilliant? And what about all the other people in the world who don’t play tennis or any other sport? Must they compete to be number 1 in something, somewhere in their life? My question led me to an understanding that there is no unparalleled brilliance because brilliance is about being and not doing or achieving great feats.

People think to become great or brilliant they must perform illustrious accomplishments. It is appropriate to recognize achievement, but the essence of brilliance comes from being. It is the understanding that what is etched in stone is that you are an unrepeatable miracle of the universe regardless of result. No victory will add to this reality and no defeat will take away from it. It’s deeper than being a good sport about losing. It’s about being connected and embracing all of yourself—the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s an understanding that life is a tapestry weaving together the bitter and the sweet, success, failure, triumph and tragedy. An outcome never defines personal brilliance. Definition is defined by the vision of destiny from within which supersedes any result.

Josh McCown is a classic example of brilliance that goes beyond results. He was a journeyman quarterback who carved out a 16-year career in the NFL. He played for 12 teams during that span. He never achieved becoming a sustained starting quarterback with any team. Yet the number of years he played in the NFL is greater than many designated franchise quarterbacks in the league. At the end of his career, he coached the high school team that his two sons played on, while playing for the Philadelphia Eagles in a preseason game. throwing 2 touchdown passes and achieving a 122 quarterback rating. He was a backup quarterback who played in the post season playoffs for the Eagles in 2020, while coaching high school football. He was 18 for 24 with 174 yards passing! Quite a brilliant resume for a high school coach who was an average journeyman quarterback in the NFL.

Some of the greatest champions of all time are single-parent women who engage the relentless challenge of championing each day to make a living, care for self, and raise children without a partner and little to no help. Though unsung and unnoticed, these women rely upon their own brilliance to get it all done.

The ingenuity of homeless people that live in and around my home in Phoenix is a testimony of awe and astonishment. Listening to stories of innovation and creativity from those who survive the 115-120 degree summer heat is a testimony of personal brilliance and an example of a different kind of wisdom.

Wisdom comes in many different expressions. My late friend Sunny Weingarten was struck down by polio in the 1950’s as a young boy and confined to an iron lung. Over time he learned to force air into his lungs enabling him to get out of the iron lung for several hours a day. Ingeniously, he used time while in the lung to invent a portable lung and eventually flew to various parts of the world, offering his invention to the world!

The reality is that we all have relentless brilliance in our being. We often do not recognize it because we do not know the language of our own wisdom. It is tempting to adopt someone else’s definition of brilliance and compare our insides with others’ outsides.

People who are brilliant academically are often compared to Albert Einstein. Yet, I would suggest that Einstein was not brilliant because he figured out the theory of relativity but rather the theory of relativity came from what was brilliant within him. By going within he was able to unveil the wisdom that others identify as him being smart. His intelligence came from within rather than from the outside/in.

All living and non-living existence contain brilliance. There is mysterious brilliance in cicadas who stay underground for 17 years to avoid being eaten by predators! There is brilliance in the bar-tailed godwit, a bird who flies a migratory pattern from Alaska to New Zealand without stopping! There is brilliance in the interconnectedness of trees who release chemical signals to warn other trees of danger and help them prepare a defense. Finally, there is brilliance in the rock formations throughout the world and universe that house scientific wisdom yet to be mined or excavated!

Your wisdom is housed within your being. Before the events of each day of your life, brilliance prevails and is independent of the results at the end of the day. It is best revealed when you connect your focus with congruency of your values of heart.

Rather than Djokovic’s performance being described as unparalleled brilliance, it is in reality an example of the brilliance that lies within us all.

Euphoric Recall

August 29, 2023 by Ken Wells

Ecstatic Exhilaration or Dysphoric Discomfort? Blueprint for Relapse Prevention

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Euphoric recall is a two-sided coin. The power of addiction is much deeper than being in close proximity to your drug of choice. On any given day, euphoric recall can invade your space seemingly out of the blue. It doesn’t come from nowhere but so it seems. Fatigue and boredom can be its trigger. Breakthrough relief after long extended effort can also trigger the recall of past exhilaration from acting out. Unstructured and unaccounted-for time is the breeding ground for the junkie worm. There is often an increase in heart rate, an inability to concentrate in the here and now, and raging obsessional powerful memories of past experiences. The euphoric recall of past acting out paralyzes all other thoughts. The experience triggers compelling ecstasy around destructive behaviors that threaten to melt the resolve of any addict in recovery.

On the other side of the coin, past memories can feel like a plague that never lets go. Like the fog that clings to the night air, the nagging memory of compulsive acting out cloaks every behavior throughout the day. It’s in the background of every activity. Memories can be exhausting and set the stage for despair. Harsh remarks from others, agonizing hopelessness, and chronic partner despondency tempt any addict to long for escape from the daily drudgery of the painful reality of carnage from past addictive behaviors.

No one escapes the elation or deflation of euphoric recall in addiction recovery. It becomes critical to accept and manage this dynamic and not ignore or minimize its presence. Listed are a few considerations to improve your recovery management.

1. Know that the charge of excitement does not mean you have crossed a line of no return. “Want to” does not equate to “got to”.

2. Spit in the soup of your euphoric recall. An old Adlerian strategy helps in this endeavor. Think of your favorite soup served at your favorite restaurant and the maitre d spits in your soup. Do you eat it? Of course not. Do the same with your euphoric recall. Imagine it being spoiled by the reality of being discovered acting out by a partner or dear friend. Think of the hurt, unbelievable pain, and shame that would follow. Let the thought jolt you out of your intrusive destructive thought.

3. Practice a 3-second rule. Give yourself 3 seconds to experience the euphoria and then practice radically focusing on non-acting-out behavior.

4. When oppressed and discouraged, place the shame on past destructive behaviors and keep it away from your sense of self.

5. Practice and train in bathing your heart and soul in positive, inspiring affirmations.

6. Act in the present with the vision your destiny inspires you to be. Some suggest that you “fake it till you make it”. I suggest that you practice behaviors that express your belief in yourself while ignoring feelings that tempt you to think otherwise. This requires training and religious practice.

7. Remain hungry to learn regardless of how you feel. No matter what the circumstance you can learn from the pain of past mistakes. Therein lies the deepest of wisdom. This is the place where you can access your own brilliance and creatively develop a solution while you deepen your belief in your own destiny.

Addicts who practice this process learn who they are in a moment of struggle. The deeper the pain and the more stressful the struggle—the more beautiful the blossom.

This new post was written by Ken Wells. In Dare to be Average, Ken’s new book, you can embrace healing, peace, and self-acceptance through meaningful insights to discover purpose and fulfillment in everyday life.

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Nine Thoughts that Shape Recovery

July 21, 2023 by Ken Wells

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I have been in recovery from addiction for 31 years. I have been reflecting on the 9 thoughts that have shaped and governed my recovery life. I want to share them in hopes that perhaps I can offer hope and strength to those who struggle with maintaining sobriety today.

1. Attitude is your greatest stock-in-trade. Sometimes people think they have to pay an exorbitant price to work with the best-known inpatient facility or a perceived guru in order to address addiction. Sometimes this attitude wreaks of entitlement. They have the money so they feel entitled to demand the best. One time this guy came to see me and said I heard you were the best and I want to only work with the best. I responded by saying “Why do you need the best therapist, you are not the best client.” What is far more important than finding the best therapist is to bring with you the best attitude you can manifest. When I got into recovery, I did not have any money. It took some time but I created a great attitude about recovery. My wife and I decided to embrace the mantra that we would “hock our socks” and do what was necessary to be healthy and sober. We found many resources that were free including 12-step programs which offered free cassette tapes and books. I learned to look for what would help me develop and grow my sobriety. I found individuals in 12-step rooms who were serious about living a sober life. I would sit or stand in the parking lot talking to them about recovery life. When confronted by others in 12-step meetings, I did not always receive helpful feedback. I learned to latch on to what was helpful and let go of what was hurtful. It was a good attitude that helped me to keep coming back again and again. Thirty-one years and over 3500 meetings later, the number one reason that I am sober is because I learned to live with a good attitude toward growth and recovery. I have to work on it every day. The greatest investment I ever made was not for a therapist or an inpatient facility. It has been my determination to be coachable and have a good attitude. It serves me well.

2. Be hungry. Let the world be your library. What does it mean to be hungry about recovery? Literally, the physical craving for food is a motivation to satisfy the need for nourishment. It’s not different in addiction recovery. When you don’t have a white-hot intense hunger for sobriety, serenity, and recovery, you miss out on what others get. Some people think they only do recovery when they attend a 12-step meeting, do the steps, or sit in a therapist’s office. Not me. I have learned that recovery is all around me. I have greatly appreciated the different therapists who have helped me throughout my journey. Yet, if I limited my resources to identified recovery sources I would have stunted and stifled my recovery growth. Being hungry for recovery growth means that you bring this mindset to all that you are and all that you do. I have gained great insights from the imagination of children and the persistence that I have observed from people who live a hardscrabble existence. I have walked alongside very wealthy people and have learned recovery principles. I have experienced even more wisdom from the poor and homeless. I have learned spirituality from my depression, impatience, and dire failings in my life. Emotional and physical pain have been great teachers. Recently, sitting next to Sequoia trees in California helped me to keep my vision for change to extend beyond my own time and onto future generations. When you are hungry for insight and understanding, you find it all around you. Let the world be your library to stretch yourself and grow.

3. Tell on yourself. The hardest thing in recovery I have ever had to do was to get emotionally honest at a deep level and tell on myself. That meant to tell on myself about times I was insecure and unsure. It meant that I needed to learn to live with being “emotionally naked” to those who I identified as support. This is much easier to write about than live. It meant that in order for me to show up at a 12-step group, I had to be honest and lead with the last thing I wanted people to know about me and let that be the first thing I said. I have pissed people off, said things I wasn’t comfortable saying, and put up with blowback from others because of what I said. I don’t do this everywhere I go. Yet, when it comes to recovery groups, the only way I have been able to always get something from each group is for me to show up and tell on myself. This mentality has conditioned me to cultivate deeper intimacy with my wife and those I care about and who I have invited to be close. Practice telling on yourself.

4. Do the next right thing no matter what it takes. We say this all the time in 12-step work. When you screw up, make a relationship mistake, or act out, the hardest thing is to face the consequences and do the next right thing. You feel shitty about yourself and getting up out of the mud hole you created for yourself is really hard. Sometimes it feels impossible. It requires that regardless of how you feel, you have to force yourself to move in the right direction, not perfectly, but you’ve got to move! While the voices are screaming that you can’t do recovery, give up, just numb out, and get high, you have to take yourself by the nape of the neck and do the next right thing. This move is not spectacular and there is no glory in it. The war with addiction behavior is hammered out when you drag yourself from wallowing in the mud and pick up the phone, tell on yourself, and go to a meeting. You can never get away from doing the next right thing no matter what it takes.

5. As an addict, what you think is most important, seldom is. In my addiction, what I thought was so important never was. John Prine wrote this great song about Sam Stone who became a morphine addict in the VietNam war and lived out the rest of his days addicted. He wrote, “When he popped his last balloon… there was nothing to be done but trade his house that he bought on the GI-bill for a flag-draped casket on a local hero’s hill.” That’s always the result of addictive demand. There are times, even now, that I can be so damned insistent on wanting what I want when I want it. The next day it didn’t even matter. After the build-up of addictive craving and you too have popped your balloon, what you thought was so important on the other side seldom was.

6. Be your own guru. Activist Grace Lee Boggs wrote a book when she was 98 years old. In the book, she said “We are the leaders we are looking for.” This applies not only about our country’s destiny but is also true for those in recovery. I lead several groups of men who gather on weekends to work through addictive behavior. The tendency in groups of all kinds is to look to someone to be the guru. Usually, it is someone who has a way with words, is charismatic, or who just simply talks a lot. Guru is synonymous to being a teacher, master, or sage. The idea of being a teacher is great. However, it is common for group members to look to a teacher and build them up and put them on a pedestal. I find this very annoying! I can teach you and you can teach me. There is no need to pedestalize anyone. In religion, we make saints out of people. We do the same thing in recovery groups. Perhaps, out of insecurity, we put others on a pedestal and make gurus out of them. I find it detrimental to recovery growth. I suspect that this is done because we don’t want to grow ourselves and become our own guru. Recovery growth in my life has required that I become my own guru.

7. Addicts change only when the prospect of not changing is more painful than the change they are facing. This has been said by many regarding the change of behavior. It certainly has been true for me. Only when the pain of remaining stuck in old behavior—addiction, procrastination, lack of exercise, healthy eating habits, etc, became intolerable did I transform myself around these behaviors. Many talk about change. It will require that you increase the pain of hurtful behavior to an intensity that change is less painful than remaining the same. Personal growth throughout the rest of your life will demand that you make decisions around this experience of tension.

8. What is more important than sobriety is bringing yourself back to center. Sobriety is sacred. It is hard won by all of us who experience it. However, throughout the years I have learned to value the skill of bringing myself back to center to be more important. No one does sobriety perfect. In the world of sex addiction, few have ever put down the addictive process and never returned through relapse. Even among those who do, lapses into high-risk behavior is common. Bringing yourself back to center is a way of managing your humanity. You will make mistakes. You will need to cultivate the concept of velvet steel if you intend to maintain long-term sobriety. When – not if – you blow it and make a big mistake, you will need to know how to bring yourself back to center with humility and gentleness. You will need to know how to assert necessary firmness and resolution that will ground and help you to be true to your heart.

9. Be who you are – don’t try to be someone else. Musician and poet Van Morrison wrote, “Live the life you love and it will bring the blessings from above”. So many people try to be someone they are not. It is not necessary to try to live life through another’s persona. It’s an impossible way to live and extremely painful. Recovery flows and is rich when you commit to being your authentic self. You will never remain lost in your recovery when you practice being true to yourself.

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