Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. – Step 8
You’ve made it this far. Your transformation has been remarkable! It’s not like your home is scott-free! The same wolves that chased you through the woods during your acting-out days continue to look for ways to pounce on you. As they say, “You are never far from the ditch on either side of the road”. But, you have been on the road for a long time now. Recovery is beginning to feel the norm, not the craziness of acting out with addictive behavior.
On this particular day, you meet with your sponsor for coffee and he unfolds a formidable task for you to consider. He tells you that you have worked hard at stalking the shame that needed to be faced that fueled your addiction in Steps 4 through 7. Now you are ready to turn over every stone, uncovering those you have harmed and making an exhaustive list in order to make amends to all of them.
“Aww, really!? You gotta be kidding me!” But, he wasn’t. He meant it and explained it further. Step 8 requires the cultivation of compassion, for self and others. You must put yourself in the shoes of others and become sensitive to how your behavior has impacted them.
To do this, your sponsor told you to put yourself at the top of the list. You won’t have compassion for others without first having compassion for yourself. This means further digging into your dysfunctional relationship with your family of origin. Take your time there is no hurry.
Your sponsor tells you that Adult Children Anonymous (ACA) helps uncover the root of unhealthy relationship patterns you learned and practiced to survive the family the universe assigned to you in your childhood. Those patterns helped you survive as a child but later figured in fueling your addiction. Many of those destructive patterns appeared in your inventory list in Step 4. Now you are asked to embrace the gravity of the impact of those hurtful behaviors toward yourself.
Making amends to yourself only begins with your awareness of how you hurt you. It involves marking patterns of self sabotage that came from a lack of belief in yourself. This fueled your need to promote a false self whereby you lost yourself with doing behaviors and forgot that you were always an unrepeatable miracle of the universe.
Sometimes the way you hurt yourself will come to you in spades of memory. Other times it will come slowly like the dawning of a new day. Be patient, persistent, and gentle with yourself. Offer understanding to yourself. No need for excuses—just admissions. Your first list is never complete. Understand that Step 8 is considered a lifetime experience. It is designed for you to practice humility, sensitivity, and compassion toward yourself.
Once you identify your pattern of self-harm and the many ways you hurt yourself, prepare your heart to let go of the self-blame and damaging behavior. Remember, you won’t be able to make amends to yourself until you cultivate compassion toward yourself. Easier said than done.
Next is the list of harm toward others. You tell yourself that this will be a list that is a mile long. You are not exaggerating. This list is painful.
Sometimes addicts in recovery stall and put off making the list because of the painful anxiety the memories trigger. More common is that addicts brush over the details just to be able to say they got it done. Be mature. Go slow. No need to hurry here. It’s not like making the list will make any of the harm done go away.
Ultimately, the list is for you. It’s your journey that offers potential healing to those you have harmed. Be willing to make amends as a lifestyle existence. In truth, every day of our lives involves ways that we hurt others with insensitivity and hurtful behavior. Sometimes we are aware of what we are doing and other times we are not. Making amends is a simple though difficult practice that becomes a healing oil for relationships between partners, families, and the community at large.
So, you sit down and begin making your list. You start with yourself. It takes you several days and different 12-step meetings to better understand ways you learned to hurt yourself within your family of origin and the dysfunctional behavior that was promoted.
You then begin the arduous task of writing down things you have done to hurt others. You include ways that your addictive behavior took up way too much space and squeezed everybody else out of your life. You list the ways you embarrassed yourself, loved ones, and others with behaviors of domination and pure selfishness. You list the ways you were inconsiderate, abusive, and a total asshole to others. You include the times you objectified, betrayed, lied, or stole from others. The list seems to keep going on and on! Finally, you complete the list.
You are done for now. Be gentle with yourself when doing such a difficult task. Take a breather. You are prepared for your next step.
