Affirmation

Chronic Relapse

January 30, 2024 by Ken Wells

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Over time I have observed addicts who have miraculously transformed and changed their lives. The changes have been like night and day. They are the ones who make 12-step meetings seem powerful and therapists look good. When you listen to their recovery program and see their results, you walk away wondering why doesn’t every addict do their program like that.

Then you find some who do a similar program but don’t have the same results. Many times it is obvious that those who fail in their program do not “go to any length” to maintain sobriety and cultivate recovery growth. For those, the issue is whether or not they are willing to up the ante in their program to make it work, do more meetings, do a deep dive with 12-step work, increase therapy to resolve underlying issues of trauma and emotional pain, etc. In this mix, there are those in recovery who mean well and do well, but somehow don’t get the necessary traction to establish long-term sobriety. Essentially, they engage chronic relapse.

Some “chronic relapsers” struggle to maintain 24 hours without their addiction. Others can go a week, month, or several months and not relapse. Some get to the outer limits of time in their sobriety and almost as if an alarm goes off and they tell themselves “It’s time to act out” and relapse occurs. Others can establish long-term sobriety in one addiction, like drugs or alcohol, but experience chronic relapse in other areas like sexual addiction.

In discussing this pattern of relapse in recovery with a pioneer researcher and therapist around sexual addiction, the seasoned veteran stated that while partners of sex addicts demand absolute sobriety from their sexually-addicted partner, seldom does this prove the reality for the addict.

There have been many attempts to address chronic relapse in 12-step programs such as moving the chronic behavioral failure from a bottom-line category of acting out to middle-circle behavior. However, there is no hiding from the problematic behavior, regardless of category placement. The behavior that is against values continues to progress and linger. People who truly shift their value system to include the behavior that was once considered relapse and is now considered high risk, usually are at peace with themselves regarding the behavior. However, if the experience of chronic failure is addiction behavior, it doesn’t matter what category you put the behavior, relapse and destructive behavior will continue to progress and intensify emotional pain. It’s a lot like trying to get a new look in your house by taking the old furniture and rearranging it but in the end, you still have old furniture with a different look.

Coming to terms with failure is an age-old problem for the addicted and non-addicted as well. I don’t have an answer as to why some addicts struggle more than others in establishing long-term sobriety. For sure there are many factors to consider. A key to addressing chronic failure in relapse is to focus on the task of self-care. For an addict, self-care is counterintuitive in the presence of relapse. When you have just acted out and screwed yourself in so many ways, the first thing you need to do is the last thing you are prone to do. Treating yourself with gentleness and being your own best friend seems preposterous when you simply want to scream and beat yourself up. Why? Because you failed. It’s common for some to scream and self-destruct in a cloud of smoke while others more subtly self-sabotage.

In life, people work so hard to avoid facing failure. Yet failure is a part of every aspect of being human. We fear the judgment, the perceived ridicule, and the alienation that happens when we fail. In addiction, what is more important than a continued day count is the capacity to employ resilience when you fail to maintain sobriety. It’s the capacity to bring yourself back to the center of your values when you drift or act out. Knowing your resources and how to bring yourself back to your values is most important. Being able to stem self-criticism and re-focus on the next right thing is invaluable. Many addicts who work a strong program and some who white knuckle their way through the day, hang on without a protocol to bring themselves back to center when they act out. When this happens, they free fall toward oblivion in addiction. It’s been shown that those who free fall in this way have a much greater struggle with re-centering. Repeated failure with sobriety is the result.

Here is a suggested protocol for chronic relapse.

1. Admit your failure, do the next right thing which is always to take yourself out of harm’s way. Simply get away from your addiction. Destroy the substance, get away from the relationship, turn off the computer, etc. If you are sitting in the middle of a busy intersection and you just got run over by a bus, the first thing you need to do is to get out of the intersection. Most likely you will need to reach out to a support person to get this done.

2. As the Buddhists say “put yourself in the cradle of loving kindness.” Addicts live in self-deprivation even when they are sober. It is by grit and determination that many addicts stay sober. So when there is a failure, the energy of grit and determination is funneled into beating the hell out of yourself. Simply, it doesn’t work. It’s like dumping kerosene onto a fire. Yet, somehow addicts and other people who fail who are not addicts, think they have to continue eating the poison. So they abuse themselves with hurtful remarks and treat themselves with ongoing deprivation. They deprive themselves of gentleness, and support from others and covertly become mean to themselves embracing mistaken beliefs that spiral into repeated addictive or other destructive behavior. The slippery slope of relapse becomes black ice when an addict eats the poison and tells themselves they are a failure, a piece of shit who cannot do what others do to maintain sobriety. Depriving yourself of care and kindness leads to entitlement toward acting out in addiction. Sometimes you must take yourself by the nap of your neck and be kind to yourself even while kicking and screaming against it.

3. Affirm yourself. You say well “If I just shit all over myself, it’s pretty hard to tell myself to feel clean.” In 12-step work, there is talk about “fake it till you make it”. Overcoming chronic relapse means that I must treat myself in the way in which I aspire to be. I must act the way in the present that I hope to be in the future. To do this I must not allow feelings to dominate my actions. I affirm myself even when I feel like shit. I act my way into a new way of being. I cannot feel my way into this experience in recovery. When I am discouraged, I can afford the time to feel it but not when I am lying in the middle the intersection of addictive act out. I have to pick myself up, drag myself out of the intersection, and affirm myself when all I feel like doing is giving up. Affirmations are beliefs that must be practiced and conditioned regularly in my life, particularly when faced with failure. They are intended acts of self-care that are conditioned in unspectacular moments, often in the presence of despair and discouragement of chronic relapse.

4. Separate your sense of self from the relapse behavior. When you introduce yourself as an addict to a 12-step group, you are describing your behavior, not your sense of self. In truth, the behavior represents a small part of your life, albeit, a most destructive piece. Relapse is always about behavior and never about who you are. Yet, shame says that relapse is about who you are. Your behavior and your sense of self are the same. Separating behavior from personhood is an art form that can only be curated through conditioning. Experiential therapies can help create breakthrough experiences of release and relief, but you must do the unspectacular conditioning of separating behavior from self. This will require a lifetime commitment and a willingness to fail forward. It demands that you practice affirmations as a regular lifestyle. In all my years of recovery, I don’t know any other way. The benefit is self-acceptance in the presence of human failure. There’s a deep satisfaction of living in your own skin. There is an abiding awareness that I can go down and face failure and come back up. Some identify this experience as unconditional confidence. No matter what the result may be, I can accept and love myself. This requires daily practice not perfection.

Chronic relapse can become a great teacher of spirituality in life. Some have suggested that spirituality is discovered by embracing the wounds in life. Wounds reveal vulnerability, weakness, and the capacity to recognize limitations. Chronic relapse is a wound that deepens authenticity when you accept that the wound contains the same common shared brokenness that everyone else in the world experiences. Self-acceptance in the presence of chronic relapse is the essence of human brilliance.

Winning and Losing: What You Can Control and What Really Matters

June 6, 2023 by Ken Wells

Once I watched the Boston Celtics lose a 7th and deciding game to the Miami Heat in the Eastern Conference finals of the NBA on their home court in Boston. Fans were disappointed and the players seemed somewhat shocked. The Celtics have played in 36 game 7 playoff games and have won 27 championships—not bad! Not only did they lose a game 7 but so did the hockey Bruins, both in the same season. Newspapers called the performance of both teams embarrassing and pitiful.

The Celtics began the night stone-cold behind the arc and it snowballed from there. When their shooting is on they are practically unbeatable. They just were not on against a very good team.

People become very sensitive about winning and losing. Of course, everyone wants to be a winner, and losing is something you want to avoid and not talk about. The truth is everyone experiences the devastation of loss far more frequently than winning.

It’s important to talk about results you can and cannot control, and how to make meaningfulness from it all since it is a common thread to everyday living.

You cannot control the results: You can create a pool of great talent, shape the environment, influence those around you, control work ethic, control attitude, and approach, and chisel your own mindset toward winning. You just cannot control the outcome. At the end of the season for every team sport there is one winner and everyone else loses. Even the winner is not a winner for very long. When we win we celebrate and pontificate as if we might be a champion forever. But it fades quickly!

I don’t think the Miami Heat wanted to win more than the Boston Celtics wanted to win. When you try to control all the factors that go into a team result, plus overcome the factors that might be going really well for your opponent, it brings you to the precipice of results you cannot always control.

The Celtics won game 6 with a tip-in by a player that was in the right place at the right time with one-tenth of a second left on the clock. Had that not happened there would not have even been a game 7! You cannot choreograph that result. It was happenstance that 2 teams very much wanted to win but one guy makes a tip-in at the buzzer! It’s luck! Vegas thought the luck would continue by favoring the Celtics by 7.5 points at home. They lost by 19. It wasn’t meant to be. Many times it is not meant to be that you will be the champion.

Michael Jordan who is considered by himself and many others to be the greatest basketball player in the history of the NBA won 6 titles out of 15 seasons. As an owner for 13 seasons, he has only won 3 playoff games, period! Is it because he doesn’t want to win bad enough? I don’t want to be around when you tell him that. It would not be safe. It simply suggests you cannot control the results all the time.

However, there are things you can control. One thing is a deep belief in yourself. You can be a heart champion. Heart champions are a different breed and are spawned from a different ilk. There is so much more than the score at the end of the game. Self-definition comes from a deeper source. It’s about the preparation, the sacrifice, the sweat, and engagement of uncertainty. A heart champion’s life is determined within before the game is ever played and independent of the score at the end of the game. It has to do with connecting congruency with values of the heart.

A heart champion is more concerned about being true to one’s heart and not just winning or losing. Becoming true to your heart takes a willingness to go deeper and find meaningfulness in all of life’s endeavors, including failure. It’s not like heart champions condition themselves to lose. Rather, they are carved from a deeper place down deep inside. A heart champion knows that losing is a part of the ebb and flow of life. She determines to never let an outcome define who she is. Instead, definition is determined by the vision of destiny from within which supersedes any result. Her priority is knowing that she is connected to herself, embracing all of herself—the good, the bad, and the ugly. She understands that life is a tapestry weaving together the bitter and the sweet, success and failure, triumph and tragedy. Positive results are fine and desired, but fundamentally, a heart champion already has determined that they are “an unrepeatable miracle of the universe.”

Heart champions understand that no victory will add to this reality and no defeat will take away from it. It is already etched into the stone of destiny that exists in their heart. It is this deep self-belief that enables a heart champion to go deep with disappointment, bitter loss, and uncertainty. Still with great confidence, know that they will rise again!

The Provocative Power of Self Belief

May 30, 2023 by Ken Wells

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

― Eleanor Roosevelt

Belief is an Anglo-Saxon word that means “to live in accordance with”. People of religious faith tout that belief is the action word that puts arms and legs to the exercise of their faith practice. Believing in something, someone or yourself requires more than words, it engages action. Belief is powerful. It is the stuff that makes up miracles. People have overcome overwhelming terminal medical conditions, crediting their capacity to believe. Incredible feats and accomplishments in political movements, business, sports, and treks of outdoor pursuit have been achieved stoked with the fuel of belief.

Many have endured hardship, struggle, incarceration and so much more simply because of a deep belief that something would change or be worth dying for. Dreams are not realized without this important action step.

You can believe in God without believing, or with a minimal belief, in yourself. An addict can stop acting out with minimal belief in self. The secret to seeing your future self is contingent upon your capacity to believe in yourself. Believing is an action word that must be exercised in order to expand.

There are varying degrees of self-belief. An addict would never experience a single day of sobriety without believing that they can go to a meeting, say no to the junkie worm, call a support person, or reach out rather than act out, etc. These steps require a certain level of belief in oneself that I am worthy of this basic action toward sobriety.

Addicts and others must tear down and remodel their false belief in self. False belief in oneself denies limitations and ignores personal boundaries. People with misplaced beliefs operate their lives from a blind spot. They fail to recognize constraints and controls and the need to resource the energy of wisdom outside themselves. They are blind to the power of humility. True belief in oneself recognizes personal boundaries and realizes the need to go deep within to unearth the limitless power of belief that exists within the depths of the self. When personal energy is focused deep within, personal transformation becomes reality. It culminates from the reserve of brilliance given by the universe that lies immeasurably within.

Methods toward excavating your own brilliance of personal belief are countless.

Here are a few considerations:

Face your mistaken beliefs: Misbeliefs must be rooted out. It requires confrontation. You cannot ignore mistaken beliefs. You must face them. When I awaken every day I am confronted by a chatterbox of over 26 mistaken beliefs that I have inventoried through the years. The beliefs chirp at me daily, not all of them, but many. Over the years some have disappeared. I have learned that by facing debilitating beliefs, I can practice ignoring them and focus on inspiring intimacy, acquiring beliefs that fulfill my destiny. Activating these inspiring beliefs demand training and action. You will need to practice your inspiring beliefs every day. The world outside won’t see your work. They will only observe it by the way you live. Face your misbeliefs.

Cultivate deep abiding hope and confidence with the conviction of self-believing affirmations. Do you believe that you are “an unrepeatable miracle of the universe”? Really believe it? Then the way you treat yourself must be congruent with this belief. Self-degradation must stop! It is inconsistent with self-affirming belief. Cultivating self-believing affirmation requires commitment, not perfection. When your behavior and attitude stray from a deep belief in self, gently make amends and bring yourself back to center. You must act on the conviction of self-belief regardless of feelings notwithstanding your critical voice. This requires a daily commitment to rolling up your sleeves and doing the blue-collar work of acting on self-belief even when the outside results tell you it is not working. Remember, you are affirming your being, not the results. Ultimate results you do not control. Your response to them is where you cultivate unconditional confidence and belief in yourself.

Self-belief is creative. Craft your own path. Ultimately, belief is personal. Listen to the storyline of others who have deepened belief in self. There is no one way to believe. Self-belief becomes the way. My personal pathway has involved physically going back to locations of personal hurt and abuse, giving back the shame that stifled self-belief, and reclaiming my own self-empowerment.

For example, I attended my 50th college class reunion. I graduated from a small conservative church-sponsored university. My advisor at the business school who was the chair of the department, would regularly chide me with negative beliefs. He told me that I would never amount to anything special and that I would simply be a “nine to fiver”. He told me to be average and just go home and make a living. At the time I was vulnerable and didn’t know how to believe in myself. I allowed his negative messages to dominate me for many years. But then I became determined to prove him wrong. What I proved was that I could be a workaholic and that my workaholism fueled my sexual addiction. I learned to self-sabotage self-belief.

Through the years I learned to detach from the shame of misbelief. I learned to affirm my sense of being and not to allow my performance to determine my worth. Part of my recovery journey was to give back the shame to the department head. He has been deceased for several years. Creatively, I went to the school of business and went to the room named after him. I did a kind of “seance” and invited him into the room named after him. I envisioned him as I recalled 50 years ago. Once seated, I read him an emotion-focused letter and gave him back the shame that I had carried for so many years. I then read to him selected poems that I have authored about shame, personal uniqueness, and empowered living. I celebrated my sense of being rather than my accomplishments. I shared feelings of anger, sadness, relief, and joy. Though I had addressed the mistaken beliefs years before, the ceremony of giving back the shame was powerful and deeply meaningful.

I then walked over to the religion department. Even though I was a business major and not a religion major, I sat in an empty room and invited a man named C. Paul Gray into the room in the same way. During my first year of college, I confided in Dr. Gray about the physical, sexual, and religious abuse that I endured throughout my childhood. He listened and admitted that he did not have any answers for me. What he did do is validate me and treated me with dignity, respect, and compassion. He looked me in the eyes and told me that he believed in me. He believed in me when I did not know how to believe in myself.

On my trip, I shared an emotion-focused letter with him. I thanked him for his support and deep belief in me. After reading the emotion-focused letter, I read to him inspired poems that I have authored that anchored self-belief. I left the empty room filled with inspiration that affirmed my deepest belief that I am an unrepeatable miracle of the universe!

You will need to create your own way. You may want to cobble together bits and pieces of other people’s journeys. Just make it your own. A deep belief in self paves the way to self-acceptance regardless of gender, race, religion, or economic status. You will need to practice being who you are and saying what you feel. Fulfilling your destiny will help transform our world. Thoreau is right when he emphasized that when you advance confidently in the direction of your dreams, and endeavor to live the life which you imagined, you will meet with a transformation unexpected in common hours. It all hinges on deep belief in yourself.

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